


Everything we left behind

by Birdlady



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-06-06 05:04:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6739213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birdlady/pseuds/Birdlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(currently under editing)<br/>    Everyone has secrets. Everyone. Even the famous Sherlock Holmes. She is standing right at the door, and she has something that belongs to him. She also has secrets, they together both do. She used to be his friend. He changed. So she changed too. It has been months since Moriarty showed his face to London. Months. And nothing has happened since that day. Until now...</p><p>    -Takes place after the special. Connecting to Season 4. The first 10 something chapters are between the two episodes. After that, I will continue the story with season 4. With a few changes. The story will be the same.<br/>    (these people belong to beloved BBC or Sir ACD)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Are you afraid of the shadows?

As autumn slowly embraced London's streets, there was no person, who doubted that Moriarty was back. His face was everywhere. At first, everyone was afraid, but as time went on, there was nothing, but silence. Silence, what slowly made Sherlock lose patience. And time was precious. Time, that he can't speed up, or slow down. Maybe there is something that can help him with this problem. But why would he like to slow time down when nothing happens? Where is he? Why is he hiding? What is going on? What is this after death game?

The night was almost over when Sherlock entered the flat. After he made sure that he didn't forget to lock it, he stared at the stairs. He was not paranoid, or afraid, but after everything he went through, maybe this would make him feel safe. Not that they can't get in the flat if the door is locked. A sigh. That was the end of this conversation.

The case was easy. Easy and not entertaining at all. Stupid people try to commit murder... so obvious. Maybe John will write something about it on his blog. Sherlock didn't care. All he cared about was Moriarty, and he was nowhere to be seen. So where the hell was he?

_"Okay, fine."_ John came over to visit after he had finished breakfast with Mary at his house. _To visit_. After all this time it was still weird for Sherlock. John constantly came over to check on him, but he didn't stay. He had his own family now. Sherlock was happy for him. Happy, but the flat seemed..empty without him being there.

_"I will give it to her.. of course."_ John finished his conversation with Mrs. Hudson and now he was standing at the door.

_"You okay?"_ Asked John when he slowly came closer to Sherlock, who was sitting in his chair, all ready to go.

_"Hmmm?"_ Only that was the answer what Sherlock gave him. He pulled a few strings on his violin. He was clearly in a different world.

" _I asked...never mind. Can we go? Lestrade just called, he is waiting."_

" _Not yet_."

" _What you mean?_ " John gave Sherlock a confused look. Sherlock said no to a case? He thought he would be pretty excited after last week. He said it was pretty easy. Lestrade stated that this will be different. A 6 at least. He also said that Sherlock can't wait more for Moriarty to show up. John rather didn't mention this to him.

" _John! I think you should call Lestrade back."_

_"What? Why?_ "

" _Tell him I changed my mind. We aren't going at all. There is something more important than a little disappearance. We are waiting for a client._ "

" _A client? Now? Who is this client, and when is he coming over?"_

" _Soon. It's a she. And she is coming over soon_."

 

 

 

_A/N_

_Well hello there! I will be honest, this is my very first fanfiction so if you ever feel that the characters are oc or just.. I have a lot of typo ... or I am not quite grammatically correct... You are right. But English is not my first language. I am still learning. Every comment is welcomed. Good or bad criticism especially. Thank you for your understatement._


	2. Familiar strangers

Nothing has changed since she left this country. The people walking on the pavement were the same. The weather was the same, boring one. The wind was blowing, the leaves slowly turned into brown or even yellow colours. The cab pulled over on Backer Street.

_" You can do this! Just a quick smile, few words and then you give him this letter. This stupid, bloody letter. Relax! It's just Sherlock Holmes. The famous detective. The one who came back from the dead."_

But he wasn't the famous detective to her. No. She knew him better than that. Sherlock Holmes and this girl had a past. A past together. What they both left behind. They moved on. It wasn't easy for her, no it wasn't. It was like losing a part of you one morning...

~( a/n <\- this is going to be the flashback symbol.)

 _" So that's it?"_ Asked the girl with tears in her eyes. _"You're just going to walk out that door, and that's it? Then what?"_

 _" I don't know."_ Came the answer from the man standing next to the table, resting his hands on the top of the chair. _" Mycroft said that he has some kind of work for me. Something that can be dangerous, I might even die, and that is why..."_ He stopped. Took a breath and gestured at the woman standing near him. Then he grabbed the chair again and let a sharp breath out. Like he was in some kind of pain. _" That is why I can't let you come with me. That is why I can't let you be with me. That is why I can't...I can't hurt you, not like this. I can't risk your life!"_

~

She opened the car's door and walked to the front door.

 _" You are going to do this like professionals. Okay."_ And with that, she knocked on the door.


	3. So we meet again

~

Mycroft told Sherlock to visit him first when he arrives back to London. But Sherlock didn't care. He had to see her. He wanted to tell her everything before someone else did. He wanted to tell her that he is really sorry and that he will never be able to forgive himself. Even if it wasn't his mistake, he knew it, but he still felt guilty. How can someone tell anyone, that their brother has died because of them? Sherlock was desperate. He knew that she will hate him because of this. And he deserved every single piece of her anger. But he is going to go away anyway. He can't stay and see her every day with the thought that the love of his life lost her brother because of him. She will understand it, he knew. But he could not bear to see her unhappy. She will do better without him. Without him and his whole family. Especially Mycroft. He had no idea how wrong he was.

Sherlock knocked on the door. When she opened it, he was speechless. Every single word flew out of his mind. He had no idea what to say. He was wrong with words anyway. He didn't understand why the woman in the shop, down the street, told him not to come back ever again when he told her, that her husband was cheating on her. He was just being nice. Even saved her time. 

He had no idea what to do so he pulled her into a tight hug. Immediately she started to cry. She was happy. She thought that she will never be able to see Sherlock again. But here he was. And he was holding her, even after he told her that he was going to leave her. She just didn't know that Sherlock was keeping his word. He just came to pack his things together. Mostly.

 _"It's okay, I am fine. I am fine."_ Said Sherlock stroking the top of her head. Her brown hair was still wet.

 _"Yeah...okay. I am just glad that you are here."_ She pulled away, but she was till grabbing his coat. She didn't let him go. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

 _"We need to talk."_ There it was. From here, there was no going back.

_"Something happened. Something horrible. But I need you to listen."_

They sat down on the couch. Sherlock looked around trying to memorise the little things in the room. Remembering the mornings and breakfasts they had together.

_" You remember I said that I am not going alone to Russia?"_

She nodded silently.

_" But I haven't told you that with whom I was going. Your brother asked Mycroft personally about it. Okay? I had no idea. When I saw him... I immediately said no. But then Mycroft recalled that it is your brother's job. That Mark is an agent. That it is his duty, and he knows what he undertakes."_

Sherlock tried to avoid the main thing. And she knew it what he was doing. She knew that Mark was working for MI6 or something like that. She knew that he was one of Mycroft's people.

 _" Just tell me, okay? Just say it."_ She knew what was coming, but she hoped that Sherlock will say something, like - He is injured, but fine. He is waiting for you outside. Or hell, even - He is in a coma, they are not sure if he will make it. Just to be able to say goodbye. But the way Sherlock said horrible, that was the thing what made her lose every hope, even if she knew the risks.

 _" We were attacked. The job was to find a person. A hostage. We found him, I found him, but there were more. In the other side of the building. I told Mark that the job was ready, we were free to go...But he said that_ _if_ _we walk away now, they will die. So I went with him. I had no idea... Even though I knew that it was a trap. We managed to save them, but they killed 2 of us. In the end, it was just me and him. We almost got away. But then...he took a bullet for me. He didn't make it, I am so sorry Em... I tried to save him, but I failed...I let you down. I am so sorry. Truly I am."_  What a beautiful lie. Sherlock was too afraid to look up at her. He thought she will scream or cry... even shout at him. But she just sat there in silence. Then she grabbed Sherlock's hand.

_" You have done everything that you were asked for. You did well. What happened was none of your faults. So... thank you... for telling me."_

~

That was the last time Sherlock Holmes saw Emily West. As much as he knew, she went to the USA after he moved away. After that, he was working for Lestrade for 3 more years. Then he met John Watson, and the rest is history. After all these years she was standing at his door, face to face with him.


	4. Friends with secrets

~

Mycroft told Sherlock to visit him first when he arrives back to London. But Sherlock didn't care. He had to see her. He wanted to tell her everything before someone else did. He wanted to tell her that he is really sorry and that he will never be able to forgive himself. Even if it wasn't his mistake, he knew it, but he still felt guilty. How can someone tell anyone, that their brother has died because of them? Sherlock was desperate. He knew that she will hate him because of this. And he deserved every single piece of her anger. But he is going to go away anyway. He can't stay and see her every day with the thought that the love of his life lost her brother because of him. She will understand it, he knew. But he could not bear to see her unhappy. She will do better without him. Without him and his whole family. Especially Mycroft. He had no idea how wrong he was.

Sherlock knocked on the door. When she opened it, he was speechless. Every single word flew out of his mind. He had no idea what to say. He was wrong with words anyway. He didn't understand why the woman in the shop, down the street, told him not to come back ever again when he told her, that her husband was cheating on her. He was just being nice. Even saved her time. 

He had no idea what to do so he pulled her into a tight hug. Immediately she started to cry. She was happy. She thought that she will never be able to see Sherlock again. But here he was. And he was holding her, even after he told her that he was going to leave her. She just didn't know that Sherlock was keeping his word. He just came to pack his things together. Mostly.

 _"It's okay, I am fine. I am fine."_ Said Sherlock stroking the top of her head. Her brown hair was still wet.

 _"Yeah...okay. I am just glad that you are here."_ She pulled away, but she was till grabbing his coat. She didn't let him go. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

 _"We need to talk."_ There it was. From here, there was no going back.

_"Something happened. Something horrible. But I need you to listen."_

They sat down on the couch. Sherlock looked around trying to memorise the little things in the room. Remembering the mornings and breakfasts they had together.

_" You remember I said that I am not going alone to Russia?"_

She nodded silently.

_" But I haven't told you that with whom I was going. Your brother asked Mycroft personally about it. Okay? I had no idea. When I saw him... I immediately said no. But then Mycroft recalled that it is your brother's job. That Mark is an agent. That it is his duty, and he knows what he undertakes."_

Sherlock tried to avoid the main thing. And she knew it what he was doing. She knew that Mark was working for MI6 or something like that. She knew that he was one of Mycroft's people.

 _" Just tell me, okay? Just say it."_ She knew what was coming, but she hoped that Sherlock will say something, like - He is injured, but fine. He is waiting for you outside. Or hell, even - He is in a coma, they are not sure if he will make it. Just to be able to say goodbye. But the way Sherlock said horrible, that was the thing what made her lose every hope, even if she knew the risks.

 _" We were attacked. The job was to find a person. A hostage. We found him, I found him, but there were more. In the other side of the building. I told Mark that the job was ready, we were free to go...But he said that_ _if_ _we walk away now, they will die. So I went with him. I had no idea... Even though I knew that it was a trap. We managed to save them, but they killed 2 of us. In the end, it was just me and him. We almost got away. But then...he took a bullet for me. He didn't make it, I am so sorry Em... I tried to save him, but I failed...I let you down. I am so sorry. Truly I am."_  What a beautiful lie. Sherlock was too afraid to look up at her. He thought she will scream or cry... even shout at him. But she just sat there in silence. Then she grabbed Sherlock's hand.

_" You have done everything that you were asked for. You did well. What happened was none of your faults. So... thank you... for telling me."_

~

That was the last time Sherlock Holmes saw Emily West. As much as he knew, she went to the USA after he moved away. After that, he was working for Lestrade for 3 more years. Then he met John Watson, and the rest is history. After all these years she was standing at his door, face to face with him.


	5. Drunk backstory

The sky was thundering like the heavens were fighting an infinite war. The weather was gloomy, which fit my mood perfectly. Silence filled the room.

 _' Ouch!'_ I winced when John finished sewing my arm.

 _' Sorry! '_ John reached out for the scissor pulling the thread a little. _' Okay. I am done.'_

 _' Thanks, I guess.'_ I reached down with my spare hand for the bottle resting between my legs. The whiskey was burning my throat as the familiar tingling went through my body. _'Uh... gross.'_

Sherlock was sitting before me in his armchair. When John came back for me, Sherlock was with him. I wasn't lucky enough. I was hoping that he was out with some friends or duh... thing... He insisted for me to come up and sit down in Johns chair. I was perfectly fine down there, thank you. He sat down in his chair and since that he hasn't talked or done anything. Just looking at us. Me and John. Doctor What's ON? I am so lame. I let out a little laugh. Sherlock moved a little.

 _'Oi, I saw that!'_ He raised an eyebrow.

John came back from the kitchen. There you aaaarrreee!

 _' Okay. Enough.'_ He took away my bottle, which I begged out of him earlier.

 _' Rude...No...Sorry. Actually, I don't mind it. It is already warm. But it's still better than painkillers.'_ I pulled my legs up to my chin.

 _' You are Charlotte.'_ Sherlock spoke up the first time since we entered the room. I was carried... Does this count as entering something too???

 _' I am Batmaaaaan!'_ I put down my legs. This chair is awful.

_'Charlotte? I thought she was Emily. Is this a secret name?'_

I looked up at him twisting my neck. Clever boy! I only knew John since this morning and yet, look at him. He already helped me. I truly like this boy. Man. Manboy. Military background. Awful memories. A few friends. Trust issues. Kindness. Intelligence. Family problems. I am just like Sherlock. No no no... God no! I knew all this from his blog...well most of it. I am in a good mood...despite the fact that a whole room exploded in front of me.

' _Yes and no. It's a middle name. Like, Hamish. Or mine. It is not a really clever decision to use your own name. I know that only a few people know your middle name.'_ He was talking to me now. God! You are talking a lot. And fast. _' After we found you in Mycroft's place talking about some job and a certain Charlotte, one might say that you are working for him. Which can't be true.'_ Now he was the one who let out a little doubtful laugh. A tiny little laugh...ish thing.

 _' You are cute. Oh, look, it's raining!'_ I tried to stand up, but my legs went numb. Fantastico! If the bottle was still in my hand, I free willingly would give it back to John at this point.

 

The next moment when I turned my head around to look at the kitchen Mycroft was standing beside me.

 _' Hola mi amor!'_ I said with a big smile. Where did you come from?

He looked at me strictly. He was right, I am not that drunk. BEHAVE!

 _' Right.'_ Sherlock was sitting in his chair. John was nowhere to be seen. Where was he? _' What time is it?'_

 _' Eight'_ Sherlock was the first one to give me an answer.

_' Seven Fifty-eight.'_

Sherlock looked up at him, then let out a sight looking away. I felt sorry for him. This was not a competition. Ever since I know these guys they were trying to overcome each other. Mycroft used to say to Sherlock that he can try, but he will never be as good as him. Because Sherlock has something called caring. And it's a weakness. Something that makes us weaker. If we care, we let other people care about us. We let them know us. See us. Everything. Who we are, what are our weaknesses, our fears, what makes us happy, what are the things we hate? If you let yourself care, then you make a list. Who is the person I care about the most? Who is the second? Who is the person I will save? Sherlock wanted to be better than Mycroft. There were days when he pushed me away from him. He said I make him slow. He can't concentrate while I am there with him. But I loved him. With all my heart. Too bad it wasn't enough for him.

 _' Eight. I see. Thanks'_ He smiled! Hah! I cleared my throat. Here we go. _'Mycroft, you do realize that there are "spies" in your team, right?_ ' 

_' I have a team full of spies. But yes, I know. I am sorry about what happened. You were my responsibility. Again, I am sorry.'_ When Mycroft apologizes, there is one thing what you need to know. He means it. Both of the Holmes boys do. _' Please tell me what happened.'_

 _'Uh...'_ What exactly happened? _'I remember walking to the door. I opened it and I heard some kind of...I can't put a finger on it... Beeping. Yes. First, it was slow then it became faster and faster. It was too late to run or hide. Then everything exploded and the door hit my head. My ears were ringing, I couldn't breathe. I thought that if I go back, I may end up dead. So I somehow managed to open the next room's door and I climbed down the fire escape. None of the cabs would take me. I had to run...here. You said Moriarty wanted me here. So here I am. I thought that he won't hurt me here. But right now... I am not that sure about that anymore.'_

 _' I see. But you are fine.'_ Mycroft's words were dry.

 _'Fine?'_ I asked him. Clearly I am fine. This is what I do every day. Sunday afternoon program. Not dying makes me sad.

 _'Fine? She almost died Mycroft! Use your so brilliant brain a little and look at her! She is bleeding several places. John had to sew her wounds!'_ Sherlock was gesturing with his hand towards me. He sounded alarmed. Panicked maybe. What is he doing? _' I am waiting for her to throw up since she entered the flat because I am pretty sure she has a concussion. Or because she is drunk.'_

 _' Ey! I am not drunk! I am not as weak as you English guys. You know my ancestors could drink all day and not have a single problem.'_ Really? This is what I have to say to him after he defended me against his brother? Congratulation. _'...About the other thing...Already happened halfway trough here.'_ I was tired. I wanted to end this day as soon as possible. I wanted to go home. I know that I said that I am going to kick Moriarty's butt, but I can do that from home too, right? I am so not staying here with Sherlock. After all these years, this single hour was excruciating with him.

Sherlock stood up and went to the kitchen. When he came back, he gave me a glass of water.

 _' Thanks.'_ I took a sip. _'What now?'_

_' You are staying here. Obviously.'_

_' I think that's the best idea too. Or_ _you can come with me. We can keep you safe. But you don't trust my team right now.'_

 _' Oh, I am so not staying here for a second anymore. No chance.'_ I stood up and put down the glass on the table.

 _' You don't have other options. I am not letting you go anywhere. They are treating your life. Mycroft you can go home. We will be fine.'_ I put my hands on my hips. _' You look awful.'_

_' You are not a beauty queen too, you know, brother mine? What's with the stubble?_ _'_

_' Shut up.'_

_' Okay, stop! Enough!'_ I put my hands on my forehead.

 _' Yes, enough.'_ Sherlock stood up and walked next to Mycroft. Standing face to face with him. _' How dare you let her work for you after everything that happened.'_ I opened my eyes. What was he talking about?

_' Hm? Did you go after her? After I left? You? YOU! Out of every person, you don't have the right to even look at her.'_

_' Stop!'_ I stepped between them. _'_ _What is wrong with you? Fine, I will stay! Just calm down a bit. But only for tonight. I am exhausted. I don't need anyone's drama now. Where is Johns room?'_

 _' How could you work for him? How long have you been working for him?'_ He was standing too close. Mycroft is right. He looks awful. He is pale and looks like he hasn't slept in days.

 _' I don't know what you are talking about Sherlock. Please stop this!'_ I turned around.  _'_ _Okay, Mycroft you can go now. We will talk about the other thing tomorrow.'_

 _' No, you won't. There is no you and her anymore.'_ Sherlock poked him on the chest over my shoulder.

_' Brother dear I think you are the one who has no right to tell her or me what to do with our lives. See you soon Emilia.'_

_' It's Emily.'_

_' If you say_ _so.'_ He twitched his mouth then left the flat.

I grabbed the blanket from the couch.

_' Where is_

_' Why are you working for my brother? Since when?'_

I rubbed my face. My head was pounding and I felt really dizzy. Of course, he wants to talk now.

_' Ummm, After you left he came to me and offered a job opportunity. I accepted it. It was really important to me. Finally, I was heading somewhere.'_

_' Where?'_

_' I don't know. Somewhere.'_ Just shut up, please.

_' So the first thing after I go is you run to Mycroft who is clearly responsible for your brother's death. Yes, that is something that I don't understand you see? I thought you won't be that stupid.'_

_'Sherlock please.'_

_' What do you think Mark would think about this? Look at yourself!'_

_' Sherlock Mark was_

_' I know he was working for Mycroft and I know that it was his duty to die for him, but you? You what? What can you do what others can't? You are nothing special. You are not that clever or you are not a good fighter either.'_ I had enough. Tears were filling my eyes. I turned around.

_' Where is John's room?'_

_'Upstairs. But you should really answer my questions before_

I didn't hear him finish the sentence. I closed the door behind me after I climbed up the stairs. Was he like this when we were together? Was I so blind not to see that he can be like this? Hurt so easily. I got into bed and put the blanket around me. I fell asleep remembering the good old days what we had. Trying to memorise that Sherlock. Whom he used to be.

 

 _'_ _We are out of milk.'_ Sherlock closed the fridge. _' We are always out of milk. Who is even drinking all these milk.'_

 _' I don't know I don't live here. Not anymore. Remember?'_ John was standing in the middle of the living room.

 _' Yes of course.'_ He let out a sigh _.' I am out of milk. I should tell Mrs. Hudson to bring me some next time she goes to the shop.'_

 _' Or you could go. Just saying.'_ John folded his arms before his chest.

Sherlock turned around to look at him.

 _' Yes of course.'_ He let out another sigh.

_' Is everything okay? You seem troubled. Is this about last night? Have you apologised yet?'_

_'Apologise?'_ He raised his eyebrows. _' For what?'_

_'The way... how should I say this to you to understand...The way you talked with her was a bit not good.'_

_' I just said the truth.'_

_' Yes, you do that quite often.'_ John came closer and sat down in his chair. Sherlock did the same.

_' What do you mean?'_

_' She does not know what you know so she doesn't understand when you say you are angry at her. She just sees your anger as something...something which has no meaning at all.'_

_' No meaning?_ '

 _' You'_ John pointed a finger at Sherlock.' _Are not angry at her._ ' Now he pointed at his old room's direction. _' You are angry at Mycroft. So go and apologise.'_

 _' Why are you even here? It's 5 am.'_ John smirked at Sherlock. _'What?'_

 _' I am not here.'_ Sherlock sat back in his chair.

_' Oh... Of course, you are not. Then go away.'_

_' Are you going to apologise? You should make breakfast. What's her_ _favourite?'_ Sherlock stood up. He made his way to the kitchen and opened the fridge again.

 _' Pancakes.'_ With lots of fruit. And tee. He loved making her breakfast. She loved everything but when Sherlock made pancakes she had the widest smile. _' John..'_ He turned around, but John wasn't there anymore.

He checked on her. She was sleeping tight. He put a glass of water next to her bed with some painkillers. Just to make sure everything is okay.

Then he made a list. Ingredients. That will make it. He will need a few things. When he was ready, he put on his coat and scarf and set off.

 

 _'Sherlock this is beautiful.'_ Mrs. Hudson walked into the kitchen. The table was set. There was real food on the table. Somewhat that made Mrs. Hudson happy.

 _'Yes.'_ Sherlock checked his watch. 8: 30. She should wake up soon. The food is getting cold. _' I am going to wake her up. I will be back soon.'_ He walked up to John's room.

 _' Yes, yes do that.'_ Mrs. Hudson took a bite from one of the pancakes. _'Amazing.'_ Sherlock came back to the kitchen, but he stopped at the door. _' Oh, I am sorry.'_ She started to laugh.

 _' Don't worry you can eat all of them. She is gone.'_ Sherlock looked up at Mrs. Hudson with sad eyes. ' _She is gone.'_

 

Morning walks are something that everyone should do. Especially after almost being killed. The morning fog made my face red, but I didn't mind. I felt alive. I should head back soon. I rubbed my hand together. Man, it is cold. I can see my breath. There was a thick blanket of frost on the grass. Winter is coming.

I opened the front door and stepped in. Good thing I grabbed Mrs. Hudson's keys earlier. I must not forget to give it back to her. Sherlock was playing on his violin. I leaned against the wall. So in this, he didn't change. I slowly climbed the stairs while listening to the beautiful melody filling the flat. I stopped at the door.

 _' Where were you?'_ Sherlock turned around. His voice was cold.

' _I had to clear my mind. After everything what happened.'_ I stepped closer to him.

 _' I see.'_ He put down his violin. ' _Maybe you are hungry. Go, find something in the fridge.'_ He walked past me and grabbed his coat, then closed the door behind him leaving me all alone once again.


	6. Crack the code to my heart

_'Can I go home?'_ I asked.

Mycroft inhaled a little impatiently. _'No.'_

I moved a little. This couch is surprisingly uncomfortable. Mycroft was playing with his umbrella. He took a seat in Sherlock's chair. He was writing circles in the air. Sherlock was gone for hours now. After he left Mrs. Hudson came up, she wanted to be sure that I am truly back. She scolded me that I disappeared just like that. _Why did you not leave a note or anything, darling? We got really scared, you know._ Of course, you did. Maybe giving back her keys was a bad idea after all. If I need to stay here, I will need a key.

_'Can I go home?'_

_'No, you shan't.'_

I turned on my back and closed my eyes. _'This means no more morning walks?'_

_' This means no more walking at all. Morning or evening, it doesn't matter. You are forbidden to leave this flat. For your own sake, of course.'_

_'Of course.'_ I placed my hand on my eyes.

_'Leaving the flat, just like that. You could be long dead.'_

_' Uhumm.'_ He is right tho. Even Mycroft's people can't stop a sniper. I don't want this. I don't want any of this.

_' Can I go home?'_

Mycroft stood up. _' If you ask this once again...'_

I sat up. _' Can I go somewhere else? Anywhere? '_

Mycroft looked at me understandingly. Maybe he thought that this situation for me was like Christmas dinners with his family for him. At this moment, the door opened. I looked at it with hope, but my hope soon shattered.

 _' I brought you tea. You must be thirsty.'_ Mrs. Hudson came in with a plate. Mycroft let out another sigh while he sat back in Sherlock's chair.

 _'Thank you. It's a very lovely gesture.'_ I wasn't looking at her. I was looking at my bags. Mycroft and a guy brought them here earlier. I stood up. Everything was here, except one bag. I needed it so I ran up to John's room, it was under the bed.

When I came back to the living room, I ran into Sherlock at the door.

 _' Oh, hey.'_ But he said nothing, he walked into the living room. I followed him, hugging my bag tightly.

 _'That's my place. Get out!'_ He took his scarf and coat off. Mycroft stood up.

 _'I am leaving her under your supervision.'_ Sherlock hummed something.

 _'I don't need anyone's supervision.'_ They acted like they didn't even hear me. Fine.

' _Your job is ridiculously easy.'_ Mycroft said to me.

_'Then you don't need me.'_

_'Sorry, but that's not correct. It sounds like it's easy, but believe me, I wouldn't trust anyone other with it, expect you.'_ Then it's easy or not? Make up your mind, Holmes. I sat back on the couch. He was standing in front of me, while Sherlock was twiddling with something on the desk. He was paying attention to Mycroft.

 _' There is this server called The Venus. We are collecting information about every single person in England, who is important to us. You know that.'_ I nodded.

 _' Am I there?'_ Sherlock turned around with a smirk on his face. Yes, yes you are.

 _' I can't tell.'_ Mycroft was annoyed being interrupted by him. 'Last week someone managed to get in.'

_' So you need me to make another protective network? I can do a few things for better security.'_

_' No, I need you to clear off everything.'_

_' Everything?'_ I was surprised.

_' Yes. That is the order I got.'_

_' But?'_

_'But?'_ Sherlock asked me.

' _That is easy. Too easy. You wouldn't come here if it's some junior job.'_

 _' No, I wouldn't_. _I need you to save everything down on this.'_ He handed me a USB. _' You need to do it in secret. They can't realise that I saved years of hard working.'_

_'Okay, I can do that.'_

_'Here is where it gets tricky. The Venus opens every week for seven seconds with different passwords.'_

_' You sure nothing has been removed?'_ Sherlock was interested.

_' Yes, I am.'_

_' Then I don't understand why do you think they will come again.'_

_' I don't know what they wanted. The job has to be done. Maybe they didn't have enough time for what they needed.'_

_'Time? What time?'_

_' The server is open_ _for seven seconds. But you can stay in there for two minutes. Then the server regenerates itself. After that, a new password is needed. We don't know which day will be The Venus open.'_

_' So you say that I need to be here from Monday to Sunday?'_

_' Not if the server opens on Monday.'_

_' And what about this week? It's only Thursday.'_

_' The Venus was opened yesterday.'_

_' What?'_ Nononono. A whole week here, with him?

_' That is everything that you need to know. Here is the address. Don't forget, Monday 0:00.'_

_' Oh, believe me, I won't.'_ A whole fucking week? No, just 3 more days, if I am lucky. Or a whole fucking week. I groaned a little.

 _' Okay. I will leave you two alone now.'_ I groaned once again. _' Oh, grow up!'_ I wanted to groan once again just to annoy him. But my adult self now took control over my body. _' Brother.'_ And with that, Mycroft walked out.

 _' So this is what you do?'_ Sherlock spoke up.

_'Hm?'_

_' You are working at the information technology's secret department?'_

_' Private department. No one knows we exist. '_

_' We?'_

_' Me and four other people.'_

_' That must be nice.'_ Yeah, it's nice when you don't see the sun for a month. When you need to disappear, leave everything behind again and again. Your name, your home.

 _' And what about you? Detective Sherlock Holmes.'_ I couldn't stop myself from smiling.

_' What's so funny?'_

_'Nothing.'_

_'Then why were you smiling?'_ He didn't understand.

_'Can't I?'_

_' Yes, of course, you can, I am just not used to it.'_

_' Oh... I was just thinking that you made it.'_ I remember when he said that he wants to be a detective. We were at the library reading some comic books. Then he just out of nothing told me, that he wants to be the best detective. That he wants to catch the bad guys too. I believed in him, I helped him learn. All those notes what Mycroft sent, all those cases that we played, just to make him better and better. And here we are. He is one of the most famous detectives on Earth.

 _' Yes, I made it.'_ He sat down in his chair so I stood up and sat down in John's. I am going to call this John's. Everything is John's. The room, the mug, the armchair.

Sherlock laughed a little. _'Remember that time when we were kicked out of the library because we wrote notes in every single book?'_

_' You remember that?'_

_' Of course, I do. I remember you once wrote and I quote: A lady does not wear pink by other man's choice, she does it because she wants to wear it. Not because'_ And now he pointed a finger at me and tried to mimic my voice. _' Some arrogant, uppish, bald man in the middle of his fifties says so.'_ Yes, I did remember all of this.

_' I had my view of feminism back then too.'_

_' It's a good thing if a woman knows what she is capable of. You are capable of many things.'_ I let out a sigh. This is nice. Sitting here, just talking. I can bear this.

' _Listen, I owe you an apology.'_ He shifted a little. _' I had no right to be angry at you. I am sorry for the way I talked to you yesterday.'_ Yeah, that hurt. But he knows he hurt me, which is something great in my eyes. It was my turn.

_' Sorry for disappearing.'_

_' It's okay. Just promise me you won't do it once again.'_ He looked at me the way my stomach made a turn.

 _' I promise I won't go away. After all, Mycroft forbade leaving the flat for me.'_ I had to smile a little. The Mycroft situation was way too funny.

' _Okay then.'_ After a while, he continued. _' You are free to use anything. If you want to cook or just take a bath, of course, you can.'_

 _' Thank you. I appreciate it.'_ A warm shower...hmmm, that would be nice.

_'I believe that I will take you at your word. I need a shower.'_

_' Okay, do you need anything? A towel, shampoo? I can get you some or I can ask Mrs. Hudson if she has some. But then again, I don't think that you want to smell like an old lady. Hmm?'_ He jumped up and talked way too fast.

 _' Sherlock, Sherlock calm down!'_ I put my hand on his arm. _' The only thing what I need to know is the bathroom's location.'_ I laughed at him. In the end, maybe this week won't be that bad.

~

 _'Okay, have you choose one?'_ I asked Sherlock when he sat down on the couch.

' _Yes, this one._ ' He handed me a piece of paper. I put it down on the table, then I gave him a list. He quickly read it.

_' Are you done?'_

_' Yes.'_ He put it down next to the other one. His head was resting on his hands.

 _' The maid.'_ I gave him the first person from the list.

 _' Guilty._ ' Quick answer, good.

_' Why?'_

_' Jealousy.'_ Correct.

 _' Cause?_ '

_' Affair with the husband.'_

_' Okay. Then let's move on to the husband.'_

_' The husband is cheating on his wife with the maid. The gardener knows it, yet he does not talk about it. Probably because he is bribed. The husband is rich, it's nothing to him. He tells the maid that he is going to leave his wife one day. But it's been a long time, so the maid takes action. She orders stronger sleeping pills, no one realises, the woman dies. Easy.'_

_' Elementary.'_ He is correct.' _You are doing better with every day.'_

 _' Yes, but not good enough.'_ He stood up. I hate this.

 _' You are good.'_ I crossed my legs under me.

_' But Mycroft_

_' I don't care about Mycroft! You always concentrate on him, that's why you think you are not good enough. That's bullshit. You are great and it feels really bad that you don't appreciate my help.'_

_' I do, I do appreciate it_

_' Then stop worrying. I will help you until you accept that you are good.'_ I stood up and walked next to him. I put my arms around him. _' You are the best.'_

~

I swear showers are the best. Just not when your hand hurts so much, you can't even reach the top of your head. No hair washing then. I closed the tap and stepped out of the tub. Voices could be heard through the door. Sherlock's and another men's. No way I am going out until he is gone. I dried myself, carefully. After the painkillers disappeared from my blood system, my hand was hurting as hell. I opened my bag and pulled out a grey t-shirt with black pants. My emergency clothes. I made a note to myself, don't forget to put in new ones. I have to give back Mrs. Hudsons keys. I can't leave the flat so...

The voices stopped so I peeked out of the bathroom.

 _' You can come, he is gone.'_ Sherlock was walking around the room, collecting things. I walked into the living room. He was standing on the couch, placing papers on the wall with duct tape.

 _' What are you doing?'_ I came closer to him.

_' I was thinking while we are waiting for The Venus to be open, we should take a case. So I called Lestrade_

' _That was Lestrade?_ ' I have never met the man.

_' Yes, to ask him if he has anything for me. It looks like he has.'_

_' Hmm... I see.'_ I sat down in Sherlock's chair. He was facing the other direction.

 _' And no news about Moriarty.'_ His words slowly reached my mind. Did he say we?

_' Did you say we?'_

_' Hmm?'_ He turned around and made a grimace. Are you going to send me away, huh? I was waiting ,but he said nothing. Yes!

_' You said we should take a case.'_

_' Yes, I did say that.'_ He seemed confused.

_' It means you and me.'_

_' Yes it means you and me, could you just tell me what you want?'_

_' I am not a detective, I am not taking any case.'_

_' John isn't a detective either.'_

_' Yes, but we both know that you don't keep John because his knowledge about solving crimes.'_ He raised his eyebrows. I did not want to sound rude. _' He is clever. But I am not helping you solve anything because I am not like John. I am not that clever.'_ I stood up and grabbed my laptop. I pulled the chair out and opened The Venus's site, what Mycroft gave me earlier. Okay, this is what I can do, not finding killers. That's for him. And there is no me and you. That's for sure.

 _' Give me your phone.'_ It's been hours, but he was still standing in front of the wall. Good old times. Do you even eat?

 _'What?'_ He said not making a single movement.

 _'Your phone, I need it.'_ He reached into his pocket and handed me his phone, not taking his eyes off the wall. I reached out for it, then I connected it to my laptop.

_' My password is_

_' I am in, don't bother.'_ He turned his face in my direction.

 _' What are you doing?'_ He walked behind me.

 _' I...I am making a....creating... an algorithm.'_ It's hard to talk and concentrate on the same time. _' Yes.'_ I looked up at him. _' I will put it on your phone, on my phone, and on this computer. If the server is open, then they will make sure we know about it. You will just have to press this button and we are done.'_ I looked back on my laptop's screen. _' And then I can go home.'_

 _'Okay.'_ He walked back to his place. I looked at the clock. 02:25. It's been a long day, time for bed. I closed my laptop and walked out of the room, leaving Sherlock and his case behind. Then I stopped. How many times did this happen before? And how many times did I leave him behind? None. Every single time I made sure that he sleeps a little. There were no just five more minutes, or just this one more page. I never left him behind, but now I wanted to. I wanted to walk up to John's room and sleep. I no longer wanted to care about him. But before I realised what I was doing, I was standing next to him.

' _You_ _done_ _?'_ I asked him between two yawns.

_' Hardly. I am missing the man's motive. I understand that he was out that day, but I don't see where. He is not the cheating type or a drunkard. If he wanted to disappear_

I reached out for his hand. He followed my moves. I grabbed his hand and slowly started to walk in the direction of his room. This was the only room what left. It had to be his. I walked slowly, not to scare him and he followed me. Mostly I think because he was too confused to react. I stopped in front of his door.

_' Now you go and get some sleep.'_

_' I don't need sleep I need answers.'_

_' You can get them later. The woman is already dead. You don't make her anything bad if you sleep a little. As I said, she is already dead.'_

_' But the murderer...'_

_' You will catch him, I am sure. But you need to sleep.'_

_' I don't.'_

_' Sherlock, please. I am tired, you are tired. Just go and rest a little. Please, for me.'_ I said it. Fuck! The secret sentence. For me. He always did everything for me. He reached out for the doorknob and opened his door. Then he stepped in and turned around.

_' Good night, Em.'_

_' Good night, Sherlock.'_ Then he closed the door. I walked into the living room and sat down in his chair. I pulled my legs up to my chin. This was my defensive position. I still felt his hand in mine. I let out a sigh then rubbed my head. I need some painkillers. Yes, I will find some, then I will go to bed. That's what I am going to do. But I couldn't sleep that night.


	7. Everybody has a best friend

I opened my eyes and looked around the room. The sun was shining through the window, revealing the wall's green colour. The morning dizziness started to disappear from my head. Then one question formatted in my mind. Where the hell am I? I sat up quickly in the bed and looked around. The room was clean, tidy. I got out of bed. I am still wearing yesterday's clothes. I must have fallen asleep in Sherlock's chair. Could this be his room? I looked around once again. Then I found a picture on the other side of the room, placed on the shelf. I walked closer. It was Sherlock and Mycroft many, many years ago. I placed it back. How nice. Well, time to have breakfast. I guess. Actually, I have no idea what time is it. I rubbed my head. I needed a coffee, so I opened the door. The first thing I saw was the familiar kitchen. I yawned a little. Yes, this is definitely Sherlock's room. I closed the door and made my way to the kitchen. There was a note left on the table.

_Morning!_   
_Have some breakfast, I will be back later._   
_Sherlock_

So he is not home. I put the paper in the trash can. Breakfast, huh? I opened the fridge. Regret, so much regret. There was everything, but not food. Eyes, toes, nails. Ewww. Nothing new under the sun. Eggs. Fine, eggs will do it.

I finished my breakfast when Sherlock came home. He wasn't alone, I could hear John's voice too. I made my way to the couch with my coffee quickly. The door opened and Sherlock stepped in with John.

_'Hey, John!'_

_'Ohh. Hey ! How are you doing? '_ He was asking me about my injuries.

 _'I'm doing well. Thank you.'_ Sherlock didn't take his coat and scarf off. He made his way to the table and started to search for a paper. _'What are you doing?'_ Sherlock didn't seem to hear me. He was busy. John gave me the answer instead.

 _'We are working on a case.'_ He was standing at the door his hands folded behind him.

 _'I see. How is the family?'_ I took a sip of my coffee.

 _'They are well, Rosie is amazing'_ John smiled at me. He seemed truly happy.

 _'Found it. Let's go!'_ And with that Sherlock disappeared from the flat.

 _'Ah umm... Bye!'_ John closed the door behind him. I put the empty mug on the table. Well, that was interesting.

I opened my laptop and reconnected my phone to it then installed the algorithm on it. Now I just need Sherlock's phone. I'm done. I should make lunch.

 _'Oh, hello dear!'_ Mrs. Hudson's face showed up at the door.

_'How can I help you?'_

_'Ohh. Umm.. I.. was just... I wanted to be a sure that you're okay.'_ She was clearly not used to being asked about her presence.

_'I am doing fine. I was just thinking about making lunch for the boys if John wants to eat here too.'_

_'Well, that's an amazing idea, Emily. Maybe I could help you.'_

_' That would be amazing!'_ I could use a little help, that's right, but the real reason I wanted her to help me was that maybe she will tell me some little secrets about Sherlock. Not that I am curious, just collecting information. Yes. Collecting information.

John didn't stay. He said Mary was cooking his favourite. Well, I can't outdo that with my Asian beef with snow peas. It wasn't that bad. Me and Mrs. Hudson already ate our portion. Now she was out somewhere. Lucky for her. I started to feel like a bird locked into a cage. How long has it been? 2 days? Never mind. I need to finish this application for Monday and I am only halfway through it. Amazing. I put the last plate in the sink. That's for later. Now I grabbed Sherlock's plate and put it down before him on the table. He was sitting on the couch since he has come back.

 _' Eat!'_ I said.

 _' Not hungry.'_ He didn't even look up from the papers. He is really into this case. I opened my mouth. He needs to eat! He isn't taking care of himself again. I wanted to scold him. Like a little child. But then it hit me. I am not his mother. I am not responsible for him. I am not his girlfriend we are not even friends. I need to let him decide what he wants. From this moment I won't care. I made this stupid lunch for him and he is not hungry. Of course.

 _' Okay.'_ He looked up. We made eye contact for a few seconds but then I broke it. I have better things to do. Oh, how much I want to go for a walk. I walked to the window and looked out. London was busy. All these people living their perfect or not so perfect life. I want it. I want to live my not so perfect life too. I deserve it. Yet here I am. I could feel his eyes on my back. Like I said, I won't care. I rubbed my head. How the hell could I get in and save everything without being detected? Maybe Josh has something for me. Oh my God Josh! Of course! Where is my phone? There it is! I picked it up in a hurry and dialled Josh's number.

 _' No Josh, I have problems with the time.'_ I was sitting in John's chair while Josh was sitting at the table. I gestured with my hands. _' See? Not enough. I need this due Monday.'_ He looked at me in a funny way.

 _' Monday?'_ He fixed his glasses. _' Then we will need coffee. A lot. No sleep, no rest West, you better get ready.'_ He started typing on my laptop. He is right. If I want to get out of here as soon as possible, we need to finish this stuff for Monday. I stretched my back. He laughed a little. I threw a pillow at him.

 _' What?_ ' I laughed too.

 _' How long has it been?'_ He was looking at the wall now. _'This decoration freaks me out West._ _'_  
 _' Eight months. Don't distract yourself! I am not paying for you to judge Sherlock's decoration.'_ I climbed into Sherlock's chair.

 _' You don't even pay for me!_ '

 _' Shut up!'_ We both laughed. Truly. Free. Then Sherlock walked in. He didn't say anything. I followed him with my eyes. He made his way to the bathroom. Opened the door. Walked in. What? I frowned.

 _' I am just saying that if you have my number you should call sometimes, just to tell me that you are alive. Friends do communicate with each other.'_ He pulled a paper out of the drawer.

_' I am sorry. I will call you when I will be home.'_

_' No, you won't.'_ He wrote a number down on the paper.

 _' No, I won't.'_ I turned around. Josh is one of the few people whom I do not forget when I move away. I need him in my life. For situations like this. Lucky for me, he lives in London. Sherlock came back and sat down in John's chair.

' _Oh_ , _hi Josh, it's good to see you._ ' Good my ass. Don't pretend to be so happy. Even tough they were friends Sherlock stopped talking with him when he moved away. I never understood why.

 _' Hello Sherlock.'_ Please don't ask him how is he doing. Pretty please. _'How are you doing?'_ Josh didn't look up from his work. What can I say? He is polite. Dammit! Sherlock ignored his question.

 _' I am sorry about your date.'_ He said with a smirk on his face. See? This is what always happens. You ask Sherlock about anything and he changes the direction of the conversation so easily you don't even realise, that in the next moment suddenly you talk about your long lost sister. Why can't just he say a single I am fine instead? I don't understand. Josh let out a sigh. You are making him uncomfortable, Sherlock. Wait a minute... did he say date? What date?

 _' Date? Josh! What date? What is he talking about? JOSH!'_ I stood up and walked over the table where Josh was sitting. He looked up at me with puppy eyes.

 _' I kind of cancelled a date with Rose.'_ I dropped my face into my hand. _' You said it was important.'_

 _' But...'_ I looked up at him.

_' You said you are at Sherlock's place. I thought it has to be really important if you are back here with him. And it seems like an important thing. You said that his funny named brother needs it.'_

_' Yes, but you can't just... I don't even know what t_ _o say!'_ Sherlock stood up and walked out of the living room, into his bedroom. His mission was accomplished. I hate him so much.

 _' Well, I am truly sorry that I messed up your chance with Rose.'_ I felt awful. I want Josh to be happy. Josh and I met in college. He was in my class in English. He was the kind of guy you know you can rely on whenever you want. Even years later. He hasn't changed a bit since the first day we met.

 _' Don't be nervous because of this, go bring me some coffee and I think you should start doing something too, or I will get the accolade.'_ I laughed a bit.

_' You wish!'_

_' I take it as a challenge.'_

_' You better!'_ I heard him laugh as I walked into the kitchen. I prepared two mugs then put the kettle on.

 _'Now tell me about this mysterious Rose.'_ I leant closer to him just to tease him a little.

 _' Oh, she is lovely. Now put this code there...see?'_ He handed me a paper.

_' Alright... Lovely huh? Blonde?'_

_' Ginger.'_

_' Ginger! Irish?'_ I wrote down the code. We are close!

 _' Nah... Give me your phone!'_ I handed him my phone.

 _' Here is Sherlock's too.'_ He took them away from me. _' That's it? She is ginger, lovely and not from Ireland._ Yeeks _.'_

 _' Okay, I don't know, she works at a flower shop, she has two cats, one named Cinamon and the other is named Cocoa or Sugar? I am not sure which one. She has a beautiful smile and she has this'_ He showed at his forehead. _' wrinkle here when she laughs. It's pretty cute.'_ I placed my hands on my cheek like a little girl.

 _' Lovebirds.'_ I sighed.

 _' Shut up!'_ We both laughed. _' You and Sherlock, huh?'_ He pointed with his finger into Sherlock's bedroom's direction.

 _' No no no.'_ I straightened up. _' I am here because I am grounded.'_

_' Grounded?'_

_' Kind of.'_ I frowned. _' Long story.'_

 _' Too bad we don't have enough time for that story because we are done. Yes!'_ He punched into the air.

 _' You are kidding!'_ I stood up.

 _' No, I am not. See? One hundred percent.'_ He stood up too. I jumped into his arms and hugged him tightly. _'You....are.....choking....me!'_

 _' Thank you, thank you thank you!_ ' I let him go. Whew....

After Josh left the flat, the sun started to rise. The first time since I came here, I felt well. Now I just need to wait until the server opens. I am pretty sure that everything will be alright with Josh and Rose. Fingers crossed. Maybe I should send a bouquet to her. No no no. I shook my head. Who knows what Josh lied to her. Nothing. Josh never lies. I smiled at the thought of him.

Later that day John and Mary came to visit Sherlock. I was sitting in Sherlock's chair while they were chatting in the kitchen. How nice. I shifted uncomfortably. I grabbed my phone and texted Josh.  
 _Hey, sorry again for the date. Have you talked to her? How are you?_  
I tried to catch a few things from their conversation.

 _' Enough food?'_ It was Mary. She seemed strange. I don't like her. But then again, which girl likes a woman who puts a bullet in her ex-boyfriend. Sorry, fiance.

 _' Yes, we do have enough food.'_ Sherlock moved closer to her and shut the fridge door. She behaved like she is his parent. Weird, but I don't mind. At least someone is taking care of him. Even Mrs. Hudson likes to check on him. I heard footsteps. Oh, speaking of the devil.

_' Ou hello! Mary, dearest where is Rosie? I haven't seen her in days.'_

_' She is at home Mrs. Hudson, don't worry. Our neighbour is taking care'_

My phone buzzed. It was Josh.  
 _Hi, West! Yes, everything is alright. We are going to watch a movie next week. I will let her choose which one. I am doing fine. Actually, I was thinking about inviting you for a coffee, but then I remembered that you are "grounded" . Maybe next time. Gotta_ go _, Nathan is here. Later! :)_  
John sat down in his chair. I put my legs down and tried to sit like a normal woman.

' _How are you doing?'_ I asked John before he could ask me the same question. I feel like our relationship is just him asking me about my well being.

 _' I am doing fine, thanks.'_ He put his face in his hands.  
 _' Everything is alright?'_ He seemed troubled.

 _' Yes, I just haven't slept in days.'_ He yawned between two breaths.  
 _' Parenthood and the benefits.'_

 _' Yeah but I mean this is empty, where do you keep'_ Mary's voice could be heard sometimes.

 _' Aha...You've got any?'_ John asked me. Me and children. The only thing what came into my mind was a lol. I yawned one too. Now it was John's round to laugh.

' _No. I haven't. John if you excuse me, I think I will go to bed now. I could use some sleep._ ' I stood up.

' _Yes of course. Maybe Mary will finish soon her rounds in the kitchen. I will come next week and take care of your wounds. I think they will be ready to heal on their own.'_

 _' Okay, thanks. Night John.'_ I walked past him and squeezed his shoulder.

 _' Just one quick question.'_ I turned around. _' How are you and Sherlock doing?'_ I shrugged. And with that, I left him behind.

~  
 _' Okay, this is easy. Which one is the first web browser invented in 1990?'_ Josh placed the piece of paper back in the heap.

 _' WorldWideWeb. Come on Josh! Give me something harder!'_ We sat in the cafeteria. I squeezed Sherlock's hand. He smiled at me.

 _' Okay, let's see. This one. A hyperlink means?'_ He raised his eyebrows. Easy for him. He is already over this stupid test. Why do I even need these things? Not like anyone's going to ask me about the hyperlink when I finish school.

 _' A hyperlink is a text connected to a page.'_ Sherlock answered this time.

_' Sherlock! I knew the answer!'_

' _The answer is correct.'_ Thanks, Josh.

' _I know that you know every single answer. Come on! You will do fine.'_ He stroked my hand.

' _Fine? FINE? Fine is not enough. Mr. Kovalsky hates me. Fine is not what_ _'_

 _' Okay okay! You will be the best.'_ He kissed the top of my head.

 _' I think you will get more points than me._ ' I kicked Josh under the table.

 _' Oh, stop being so boastful with your 100 percent.'_ They both laughed. _' I gotta go.'_ I packed my notes together. Then quickly gave Sherlock a kiss and Josh a fist bump. There was no time for our supersonic handshake. Seriously, it would take two minutes to finish it. We tried to shorten it down an afternoon, but we couldn't decide which part to leave out. So we left in everything.

 _' Good luck!'_ Both boys said at the same time. I got this. Yes! I am going to make you two proud.  
~


	8. The game is on, but you are out

_' So are you going to tell her the truth?'_ Mycroft asked his brother. They were talking at Mycroft's place. Sherlock stepped out into the rain. It was only nine in the morning, but the London weather kept its stereotype. He pulled the coat tighter around him. Mycroft stopped at the door. He held an umbrella out for his brother. The brother gave him a doubtful look, then rejected it. _' As you wish._ '  
 _' Why do you think I will tell her?'_ The raindrops started to soak his coat.  
Mycroft shrugged. Sherlock pulled out a little box from his pocket. He took out a cigarette, then he lighted it. It took him for a while. He let the smoke mix with the cold air.  
 _' So you think you will be able to keep it as a secret? For how long? Days? Weeks?_ _'_ Mycroft put his hand under his chin. He was leaning against the door frame. Sherlock blew out the smoke once again. Then he dropped the cigarette and stepped on it.  
 _' It's not enough.'_ Mycroft straightened up.  
 _' Well, it is enough for now, dear brother. Someone is waiting for you at home, not just anyone. Give it to me.'_ Mycroft reached out for the box, but Sherlock put it back into his pocket.  
 _' She is counting down the days, Mycroft. She is not waiting for anyone.'_ Sherlock turned his face away. _' She just wants to go home.'_ He fixed his scarf. _' She is going to hate you if I tell her the truth. She is going to hate both of us.'_  
 _' So it's better for her if she lives her whole life like this? I would say that you are afraid, Sherlock. Afraid of losing her. You are selfish.'_ He leant back.  
 _' Maybe.'_ A raindrop started to run down on Sherlock's face. It was time to go.  
 _' You think she will go home?'_  
 _' I don't know. Maybe she has already packed her things together.'_ Sherlock showed his face deep into his coat.  
 _' Oh brother, she has never unpacked_ _them.'_ _Mycroft_ _answered_ _._ _Sherlock_ _started_ _to_ _walk_ _at_ _Baker_ _Street's_ _direction_ _._

When Sherlock saw her for the first time, she was just like anyone else. An another face in the crowd. She wasn't anything special. Not for the others, but for Sherlock, she later became extraordinary. She was just a girl from the local college learning some informatics. But she was clever and curious. A dangerous combination. She was daring, yet silent. She engaged Sherlock's attention. She wasn't sitting alone at lunch, yet she was spending her weekends at the dorm. She was younger thank him with three years or so. She was the first person to ever stand up for him. Sherlock remembered that day in the library. Sebastian came to them with his little gang. He started to make her nervous too. But she didn't care. She sent out a pretty rude email to everyone from Sebastian's email address, while he was busy with pushing Sherlock's books down from the table. Later everyone treated them differently. They weren't the big guys anymore.  
Sherlock opened the front door. He walked up the stairs and opened the other one too.

I was sitting in his chair when he walked in. He left early this morning.  
 _' Oh, hi! Sherlock, this is Mr. Brown'_ I gestured with my hand in the other man's direction. I wasn't alone. This Mr. Brown was sitting in John's chair. He was a client. Mrs. Hudson showed him up earlier. I made him tea, he seemed nervous, but I didn't question him. The less I know the better. If you ask me, I would say he is in his late thirties, middle forties maybe. From the suit, he works as a politician, banker or an accountant. Sherlock took his coat off and walked closer to the man. He shook Mr. Brown's hand.  
 _' My name is Sherlock Holmes, I am a consulting detective. How can I help you?'_ I stood up. They will be fine from here.  
 _' So, I will go now. I will be upstairs if you need me.'_ I pointed in John's old room's direction. I tried to go, but Sherlock grabbed my hand.  
 _' No, stay. You could help me with this one. For old times' sake.'_  
He looked into my eyes deeply. A silent please was written all over his face.  
 _' You don't even know what is his problem.'_ He was taken aback.  
 _' That's right. But we won't die if we listen.'_ He showed me back into his chair carefully . Then he faced the man, walked over the table and brought a chair back with him. He placed it between the two armchairs. _' If you don't mind.'_ He showed at the chair's direction. He was waiting for the man to trade places with him.  
 _' Oh, of course, anything Mr. Holmes, just God help me, you need to help us.'_ The man went silent. He was on the verge of crying. I would say he is the typical I am so strong man, who shows this mask to everyone, this strong father picture, but inside he is broken. Right now, he very much seems to be broken. he slowly looked up at Sherlock. ' You are my last chance.' Why am I here again? Should I make notes?  
 _' How do you mean?'_ Sherlock sat in the concentrating position. I tried to focus too.  
 _' The police won't help me. I can pay you! I can! I have money.'_ Oh, you are in the wrong place if you think that money is what inspires Sherlock.  
 _' Good for you. Could we now talk about your problem, please.'_  
 _' Yes of course. My daughter, she's been missing, Mr. Holmes. The police said that they did everything what they possibly could. She's been missing for a couple of days, Mr. Holmes.'_ Now he turned his face in my direction, maybe trying to impress my heart. _' You need to find my little girl. Please!'_ I started to feel uncomfortable under his gaze. I looked up at Sherlock.  
 _' Should I make notes?'_ He waved a little. That's a no then.  
' _Go home Mr. Brown, we will soon go after you. Just give me your mobile number and your address, please.'_

Sherlock put his coat back on. I was still sitting in his chair, sipping my tea. The rain hasn't stopped since this morning. I always felt so much more comfortable when the weather was like this. Dark, rainy, cold. The mug was warming my cold hands. Winter was coming. Maybe I will get a Christmas tree this year. Dress it up nicely in red and gold colours. I could smell the cookie scent.  
 _' You aren't coming?'_ Sherlock asked me while he was fixing his collar.  
 _' I. Am. Grounded.'_ I took another sip of my tea, trying to remember the Christmas feeling.  
 _' Oh, come on! The Venus won't be open until midnight. Not like we will die until that.'_ He is right, what could possibly go wrong today? What. Could. Possible. Go. Wrong.  
 _' I am pretty sure there is like an 80 percent we will both die if I walk out that door.'_ Yet, I still stood up.  
 _' You aren't afraid of Moriarty, are you?'_ He took on his gloves. I shook my head slowly.  
 _' Are you?'_ I could still feel the chair behind my legs. This became my safe place.  
 _' I am not afraid of Moriarty.'_ He said with a laugh and quietly, like a whisper he added _' I am afraid that you will get hurt.'_  
 _' So what? They won't shoot me the first second I step on the pavement?'_ I tried to tease him, even though I was pretty serious.  
 _' I don't know, let's find out!'_ He opened the door and run down the stairs. He wouldn't risk my life like that, ever. So let's see. I can sit here and cry over some Mexican drama serial with Mrs. Hudson or I can go on an actual case with actual Sherlock Holmes. I quickly put on my boots and my coat. Do I need an umbrella? I don't know! I picked it up, then changed my mind and throw it across the room in a hurry. It landed under the table with a loud crack. Ops! I ran down the stairs quickly, into the London street. Sherlock was standing beside the door. The air hit my face. Finally!  
 _' You ready?'_ Sherlock walked over to the cab. I inhaled deeply the cold, rainy air.  
 _' Ahah._ ' I nodded.

Mr. Brown's house was nothing like I imagined. I am just kidding. It was everything like I imagined. Big brown house with a big steel fence. Those you know I am rich houses what you see in those drama series. God! Why do I know these things? I really need to stop watching those serials. Sorry, Mrs. Hudson. The butler showed us in. White, freshly painted walls. You could still smell the paint. Fancy. I looked around, then it hit me. I shouldn't feel jealous. Their daughter was just kidnapped. I would choose Sherlock's flat over this any day if I know that my family would be safe.  
 _' You like it? '_ Sherlock whispered into my ear. A little chill went through my back.  
 _' Nah, yours is better.'_  
 _' This way.'_ We followed the butler into the I would call it a living room. Or a place where you have your 5 pm. tea. Mr. Brown was waiting for us with his wife.  
 _' Mr. Holmes and, sorry I don't know your name.'_ Oh, right. Let's see. Which one should I use now? Oh, this will do it.'  
 _' Ms. Hudson.'_ I reached out to shake his hand. Sherlock raised his eyebrows at me. What? It's clever. I tried to smile, but then I saw Mrs. Brown. Tissue paper crumpled in her hand. Tears running down her face. Her eyes were a little puffy from the crying. I had to sit down. I tapped around to find something behind me to sit on. My hands found the couch. I sat down, Sherlock sat next to me.  
 _' Sorry.'_ Mrs. Brown apologised.  
 _' No, it's, it's nothing... I ... I...'_ I couldn't say a damn thing. Sherlock took over.  
 _' Tell me everything from the beginning.'_ Mr. Brown told everything to Sherlock. The robbers wanted money, they left a piece of paper on her bed. On the paper, there was a bank account number. They wanted to pay for them, but the police didn't let them. I will be honest, I couldn't really concentrate. I couldn't take off my eyes from Mrs. Brown. She was oh so broken. It broke my heart too. I am going to find you little girl. Sherlock will find you. You can trust him. I looked at Sherlock. Yes, you can rely on him. He won't let you down, ever.  
Sherlock went to investigate her room and the house. I stayed down with Mrs. Brown. When Sherlock had finished his job, we headed back to Baker Street.

 _' Okay, but If you turn around, people would assume you are taller.'_ Sherlock opened the front door.  
 _' Excuse me, I am pretty much tall.'_ He walked in and I followed him. We walked up the stairs and he opened wide the other door too. When I saw Mycroft Holmes's back, him sitting in John's chair I started to slowly back up, the stairs creaking under my steps.  
 _' You know I can hear you, right?'_ He said. Shit. I walked into the living room.  
 _' Why are you here? How do you even get in? You don't have keys.'_ Sherlock put down his coat and scarf and made his way to the table. He turned on his laptop.  
 _' I knock, brother.'_ I sat down on the sofa. This is going to be like a parents meeting at school. I tried to make myself as small as possible.  
 _' MRS. HUDSON PLEASE DO NOT LET IN MY BROTHER WHILE I AM AWAY!'_ Sherlock now faced his brother. _' Oh, this maybe sounds like you are welcomed here when I am home. No, you aren't.'_ He sat down in his armchair, placing the laptop on his lap. Mycroft made a sarcastic smile.  
He looked at me, but I tried not to face him. What a nice ceiling.  
 _' You broke my rules. I thought I made myself pretty much clear when I said you are not allowed to leave this flat's ground.'_ His voice was dry. Formal. I didn't say anything, so he continued. _' When Sherlock earlier said to me that he wants to take you out somewhere today, I told him that this will be a good occasion to make a test. A test what you failed.'_  
 _' I asked you, not to do that.'_ Sherlock murmured.  
 _' I said to him that if you go with him, I will make sure, that you won't commit the same crime twice.'_  
 _' Again, I told you that it's stupid.'_ Mycroft made another sarcastic smile. He pretty much enjoyed himself.  
 _' I will give you another chance. Just once more. If you break the rules, there will be a man standing net to your front door, who will make sure, that you don't leave the flat. You got a threatening message. I don't know why you don't take it seriously.'_ He put the umbrella into his other hand.  
 _' I told you why. We are not ready.'_ Sherlock looked up for a second.  
 _' Not ready for what?'_ I asked him. He turned his face into my direction  
 _' Moriarty, or whoever wants us to be happy first, then when everything is pink and fairy tales, that's when he will do something. See? We are clearly not ready.'_  
 _' What if I go away now...'_  
 _' He kills you, too.'_ He closed the laptop ad stood up. _' Unfortunately, it seems like you don't have a choice. I am sorry.'_ He placed the laptop on the table.  
 _' I don't care about this at all. Finish the job and if it depends on me, you can die afterwards.'_  
 _' MYCROFT!'_ Sherlock roared at his brother. He stood up and fixed his tie.  
 _' As I said. Finish the job.'_ He walked out the door, down the stair, leaving us behind. I pretty much felt awful.  
 _' He didn't mean it.'_ Sherlock tried to calm me down. I gave him a doubtful laugh. I stood up.  
 _' What you got?'_ I was curious why accepted this case. It seemed like a pretty boring one. A disappearance. Nothing more.  
 _' Ask the other one.'_ He wrote down something on the paper.  
 _' What_ other one _?'_ I leant closer to see his writing. Jacob Brown.  
 _' The question.'_ Who is Jacob Brown?  
 _' Umm....yeah...why did you accept this case?_ ' He straightened up. He stood close, so I took a step back. He raised his eyebrows.  
 _' The girl, Sara, is nine years old. There aren't violent marks over the walls or on the floor, which means she walked away with her kidnapper.'_  
 _' So she knew him or her?_ '  
 _' I think so.'_ Sherlock slowly reached up to my forehead. He carefully stroked it. _' It's almost gone._ ' I put my hand on my wound when he moved away.  
' _Yes. John said he will take out the sutures.'_ The air became really hard to breathe suddenly. I cleared my throat and Sherlock turned away. I let out a little sigh. This won't end well.  
Mrs. Hudson walked in.  
 _' Aren't you two hungry?_ ' Oh God, yes! Sherlock opened his mouth, I think to decline it, so I quickly jumped behind him and put my hands on his back and slowly started to push him into the door's direction.  
 _' Yes, we are really hungry. I think Sherlock could eat a whole horse right now.'_  
 _' That's amazing! I will set the table then. Hurry down! Oh, and Sherlock, I am glad you got rid of that thing'_ She pointed at her face. And with a little laugh, she walked out.Yes, clearly Sherlock is more good looking without that stubble. What am I talking about? Sherlock turned around so my hands slipped on his chest. Oops! I quickly took them away.  
 _' A whole horse?'_ He questioned me. I rubbed my nape.  
 _' For God's sake, just go!' I_ pushed him forward. He grabbed my hand and accompanied me down the stairs. It felt really good to hold his hand again. What the hell? Think about little kittens, little rabbits, anything. God! But him holding my hand like it was the easiest thing to do.

Mrs. Hudson's dinner was delicious. We were sitting at her table, listening to her stories from her past. I was resting my cheek on my hands, but Sherlock seemed to be at his own execution.  
 _' Aha, and what happened?'_ I put another cookie piece into my mouth. Cherry.  
 _' Oh, you know, the ladies charm.'_ She blushed.  
 _' You didn't!'_ I straightened up.  
 _' Oh, he was amazing. It was an unforgettable night. I am telling you if you want to catch some handsome man, you definitely should go to Spain.'_ Oh, I would be satisfied with this one here too. I looked over at Sherlock, he was staring at the ceiling. Must be interesting. I wanted to pull his mind a little bit longer so I asked Mrs. Hudson.  
 _' Don't you want to see him again?'_  
 _' Oh,'_ She waved me down. _' Some things just need to be left behind as a memory. Keep them in their full glory.'_ She picked up the plates from the table. I glanced over at Sherlock. He was staring at me. Could he think about the same thing? Leaving things at their full glory. As a distance memory. Does he even remember me? Remember my customs. How many sugar do I put into my coffee? How I like my eggs. He likes to delete those things which are not important. Am I important to him? I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes. I quickly stood up.  
 _' Everything is all right?'_ Sherlock reached for my hand, but I grabbed it away.  
 _' Yeah, I am just pretty tired. I am going to sleep now. Mrs. Hudson, thank you for the amazing dinner.'_ My throat went dry.  
' _Oh, you are very welcome. Good night, dear.'_  
 _' You sure you are okay?'_ Sherlock stood up too. I looked up at him and slowly nodded. I made my way out of Mrs. Hudson's flat. I closed John's room's door behind me. Then slowly slid down on the floor. I pulled my bag closer to me. Opened it, took out a little box. I searched for a picture. Here you are! I had to smile when I saw it. It was me and Sherlock. We and Bucky, our little dog. It was Christmas. Everything was so goddamn perfect, but then it all turned upside down so quickly. I lost Mark and when I needed Sherlock the most, he left me too. I was so alone. Sometimes I still am. Sometimes I still feel that it all was my fault. Maybe Mrs. Hudson is right. Maybe we need to keep things untouched. We shouldn't start over. We shan't, but then again, I am already dead. I can't win this game. Every day passing by could easily be my last one. So should I keep myself away or should I give in? Should I be selfish and be happy in my last days and leave Sherlock miserable when I die? Moriarty will catch me...Even though Sherlock tells me every single day that he can keep me safe, even tough I want to believe him so fucking much, I can't. My clock started beeping. I raised my head. It's midnight. My job has begun. Sherlock is now a secondary problem. Mycroft is right. I am here because he is my boss and I need to be done with this thing. I can't let my thoughts wander away. I am being overdramatic. I stood up, took a big breath. It's showtime!


	9. Checkmate

_' This has to be the most boring thing what I have ever done before. '_ I sighed while placing the last card on the others. A message popped up on my screen saying _Congratulations, you won! Want to play another round?_ I sluggishly fist bumped the screen losing interest with every other round. This was like the what? Tenth game? God! I glanced over at my mug, then picked it up and turned it upside down. Empty. I got up and walked into the kitchen.

When I woke up this morning- to be honest, I haven't slept the whole night, not really. Every hour or so I glanced over at my phone checking if I have missed anything. Fun fact! To prepare for the stress of waking, your body releases a cocktail of stress hormones, which means you wake up before your alarm or you can't sleep before a big exam. So being stressed about something, like in my situation The Venus plus sleep equals not going to happen.- I thought that this day is going to be fun. Hell no. Here I am, sitting in front of my computer, sipping my slightly over-sugared coffee, while Sherlock is out there solving exciting crimes. Is there a phrase like that? Exciting crimes. Nevermind, I would rather be there than here, that's for sure. I pick up my phone and search for Josh´s name. I should send Sherlock a message too. I raise my head, thinking about it a little, then rejecting the idea. ' _Nah.'_ I quickly send Josh a _Whats up?_ message. I want to put down my phone, continuing the never ending chess game with Charles- yes that's my computer´s name... - but Sherlock is quicker and braver than me so I open his message what he sent me a few seconds ago.

_Morning! Is your life boring enough now to check a few things for me? SH_

Even though I have got from him tons of messages in the past this one is different. I am telling you why. WHY THE HELL IS THERE A SIGNATURE? SH? Like Sherlock, dear, please, I do know who you are okay. If you think that I don't have your number then why the hell don't you write down your name like a normal person would do? I message him back.

_Who are you?_

I laugh at my own joke. I am so lame. He quickly responds.

_Sherlock. Sherlock Holmes. Remember? And I know you are just taunting me. So yes or no?_

I glance over at Charles squinting my eyes.

_I don't know, I kind of wanted to finish this chess game with Charles._

I send the message but I quickly send another when I realise what I have missed out.

_Sorry, I missed something. Here you go. - EW._

I grimace at my name. Even my initials say EW! Ewww. SH is so much cooler...

I open his new message _._

_Seriously? I will send you the names._

I sigh at his response but I walk over to the table. I turn my laptop at my direction and open the Scorpion.- another program for finding info about everything and everyone.- My phone rings as Sherlock sends another message.

_Who is Charles?_

Gottcha! What should I response? Ex- boyfriend? Current boyfriend? But I change my mind when his next message arrives.

_That's my flat. Don't let extraneous people in! Or... or you are going to sleep on the street tonight._

I send him the truth.

_Charles is my laptop, Sherlock..._

I sit down in his chair. Josh texted me back, but I ignore him now.

_Why do you name your laptop?_

He is more than a laptop, we have been trough a lot together. Okay, I see it now.

_Says the man who calls a skull a friend of his._

That's right, I know things.

_How do you know that?_

I smile at my success. I peek over at Charles. Everything is the same.

_I know things._

Where the hell have I left my coffee? I look around with no success.

_Mrs. Hudson?_

Yes. Remember when we cooked together? It seems like she loves to talk. Lucky for her, I am a good listener.

_TELL ME THE NAMES!!!!_

While Sherlock sends me the names I open Josh´s message.

_Everything is the same. Sorry, gotta go. I have to save Lady Ambrose._

Nerd. Always with the World of Warcraft. Sherlock´s message contains two names. Daniel Brown and Susan Matthews. Okay, finally I have something to do. I send him the last message for now.

_Okay, will do. But first, let me finish this  game  with Charles._

The funny thing is I don't even know how the hell you play chess.

**AN**

**Sorry, this is just a quick update because I don't think I will be able to update until next week or maybe even after that. This is my first author note, isn't it? So let me just say, its amazing that you read this thing, but could you possibly consider writing a comment or leaving some kind of feedback for me? Thanks! Until next time. Bye!**


	10. Underneath the surface (part one)

_"Knowing can be a curse on a person's life. I'd traded in a pack of lies for a pack of truth, and I didn't know which one was heavier. Which one took the most strength to carry around? It was a ridiculous question, though, because once you know the truth, you can't ever go back and pick up your suitcase of lies. Heavier or not, the truth is yours now."_

_― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees_

You would think that a person like me loves to be alone. Spend some time on their own. In fact, that is right. Just not now, not here. I looked around the room for the tenth time. Trying to see familiar things, looking behind books, under shelves. Maybe I was searching for me. Something that reminds him of me. A piece of me. But nothing. Not a single photo behind the fireplace, not a letter under the magazines, nothing. Like we never ever existed. Maybe I was the only one keeping memories of him. Maybe I should throw them away too. Letting them go, eventually its been years. I don't blame him for not remembering me. He closed our past. I placed a book back in its place. He will notice that I moved a few things. I lowered my hand slowly, disappointed. I seriously don't care. I should not care. Yet here I am, standing in front of the bookshelf in Sherlock's house without him, and I couldn't feel any lonelier.

*****

When Sherlock came back, he was alone. I asked him the first question what came into my mind, while he dropped his coat on the couch. What's gotten into you? You always hang it up so neatly.

 _' Where is John?'_ He walked into the kitchen while I picked up his coat and hung it up, carefully straightening out the sleeves.

 _' Home, spending some precious time with his family.'_ He said a little bit louder, so I could hear him easily. I walked into the kitchen too, leaning against the doorframe. He was standing next to the table, hands resting on the chair. He seemed puzzled.

 _' You say it like it's a bad thing.'_ I slowly approached him.

 _' No, of course not.'_ He looked up at me. _' It's just strange doing these things alone after all these years.'_ I wanted to say that he got me, but that wouldn't be technically true.

 _' I see.'_ I stopped at the end of the table. He seemed so lost. He desperately needed someone. I didn't want to say anything. If I would do, it would get easily so complicated. I have a home, friends at home waiting for me, I can't stay here with him. Yet my heart was aching at the thought of leaving him alone. I needed to change the subject quickly. _' I got your names!'_ I ran into the living room, quickly picking up a few papers, then handing them over to Sherlock. He took a look at them. _'The first one, Daniel Brown is Sara's '-_ by the way, that's the lost girl's name. _' brother.'_ I mouthed the word _''obviously''_ as Sherlock spoke up.

 _' Obviously.'_ See? Sometimes I still know what you are thinking about. Sometimes...

 _' So yes, he is an eighteen years old athlete. Nothing strange in fact, he is a pretty good at sports, won a couple of medals, and an outstanding mathematician.'_ Sherlock scoffed a little.

 _' And the other one?'_ He said, placing the papers down on the table. He picked up Susan's paper.

_' The other one is Susan Matthews. They live close to the Browns. At first, I didn't understand why you wanted me to check her.'_

_' She acted strangely when I questioned her. I saw her walking by the Brown's house a couple of times while I was there..'_ Sherlock interrupted my words.

 _' What if she was just taking her daily walk?'_ I looked up at him from the chair.

' _At least five times at the same direction?'_ He raised his eyebrow.

' _Right. So I thought nothing strange here.'_

_' But?'_

_' But here,'_ I yanked the paper out from his hand. _' It says that recently she got a couple of hundreds of pounds transferred onto her bank account.'_ Nice amount of money.

 _' That's a little too much pocket money for a seventeen years old girl. Don't you think?'_ Sherlock walked out from the kitchen.

_' Where are you going?'_

_' I have a few question for Ms. Matthews.'_ He put his coat on.

 _' Arent you hungry?'_ I asked him, walking out of the room too.

 _' I won't be late. If you wait for me, we could eat something together.'_ He opened the door and run down the stairs.

' _Yeah....sure....'_ I said, closing the door behind him.

****

The girl refused to talk to Sherlock about it. She claimed that Sherlock isn't part of Scotland Yard so she isn't bound to talk about where she got the money from. In fact, she threatened Sherlock. She thinks he violated her personal rights. Little does she know it was me? So Sherlock went to Scotland Yard and told Inspector Lestrade the news. He was quite surprised, usually its the other way around. Lestrade has something for Sherlock, but not this time. He said that he is going to arrange it tomorrow. We will see. Now Sherlock and I were sitting at the table, eating some potato and chicken.

 _' It's good.'_ Sherlock said, chewing on some salad.

 _' Yeah, mashed not scalloped potatoes. I remember.'_ I had a little time, so I quickly made his favourite meal. Well, one of his favourites. Even though it's 9 pm.

 _' So...'_ Sherlock was tossing a piece of meat with his fork.

 _' So?'_ I questioned him.

 _' How are you?'_ I frowned, but Sherlock stayed calm.

 _' What?'_ Even back then, he always started with the How are you? question when he wanted something. _' Good, good. And you?'_

 _' I am doing well.'_ You look better than last week that's for sure. What's this? You are avoiding the question. I know he wants to ask something.

_' Just ask the question. I won't be mad.'_

_' Why do you work for Mycroft?I mean, I know you already said a few things about it, but I want to hear the whole story. You know what? I am going to ask you a question, then it's your turn.'_

' _Okay.'_ Sounds fair. I will play your game if you play mine. ' _But you have to play fair too._ _'_ He nodded. I moved my seat closer a little, getting ready for our conversation.

' _I guess you have a few questions too.'_ Oh, you betcha.

 _' So? You and Mycroft. How?_ ' Actually, I was waiting for you to ask these questions. It won't hurt to clarify a few things. ' _And please, be honest.'_

' _Okay.'_ I took a deep breath and pushed my plate aside. _' I don't even know where to start.'_ I wiped my eyes.

 _' Where I left.'_ He took another sip from the water. I laughed lightly. Sure.

 _' I don't know... You left and one day he just kind of appeared at my door. He told me that he has a job for me and if I do well, he may speak with a few other person or something like that. I thought that it was a good idea. You know? Finally, something that I can concentrate on and not just cry on the floor like a pathetic teenager.'_ Sherlock raised his eyebrows but I waved him off. Not now. I was kind of desperate when he left. I felt like he took every happy moment in my whole life from me. I was desperate enough to accept Mycroft's offer. Can you imagine that? I exactly knew who Mycroft was. The big Mycroft Holmes. Even back then. How many times I have dropped everything, left my name, my home to run. You remember my backpack? The one I carry around with me everywhere. That's the only thing what is left for me. The '' _emergency backpack'_ '. A few clothes, my laptop, a box full of memories- I don't know why I still have this - a flashlight, shampoo and stuff like this.

 _' Why did you leave?'_ I asked him. Of course, I should have asked something like- You and John Watson? or Mary and her assassin past ( I am a hacker, I know everything. Well, not everything, but I am pretty close.) or anything. But I was afraid that he will change his mind. Sherlock stood up and turned his back on me.

 _' Not this.'_ He was leaning on the countertops. His head dropped as his shoulders sank _.' I promise I am going to tell you one day. Alright? One day. '_ I felt angry. I answered his question without hesitation. Yet, he can't even tell me why he left me. Fantastic!

 _' Oh, alright. Thanks.'_ I stood up.

' _No, I promise, but don't ask me this question. Ask anything. One day...soon...'_

_' Sherlock, it's been years. Years!'_

_' I know.'_ His voice was barely above a whisper.

 _' Fine! You know I do this all the time. I say fine and move on. Every. Single. Time.'_ I felt a pressure in my lungs. ' _Okay. Let's talk.'_ I pulled the chair out and sat down. I gestured in Sherlock's direction as he turned around. ' _Sit!_ ' He slowly pulled out the chair and sat down. He placed his elbows on the table and formed a praying position with his palms. The air was tense.

 _' So, you and John Watson?'_ I asked.

' _Me and John Watson._ ' He was talking from behind his hands. ' _You can read John's blog. Everything is there what you want to know. He is my friend. Maybe the only one.'_

' _Already did that. Molly Hooper, Inspector Greg Lestrade, Mrs. Hudson not to mention your brother, that Billy guy...'_ Sherlock was surprised as I was counting the names on my fingers.

 _' You read John's blog.'_ He said calmly.

 _' Oh yeah, I wanted to send some flowers to your funeral.'_ Sherlock rubbed his forehead. ' _Luckily Mycroft told me that in fact, you weren't so dead.'_

_' I am sorry.'_

_' Oh, of course you are.'_ I sat sideways, my hands folded. I was mad.

 _' I couldn't send a postcard to you to America with ''I am not dead'' written on it. I was afraid it would blow up my cover. I didn't even tell John.'_ He apologised. Or tried to.

 _'I was never in America. I was living in Ireland. The way you told John that you are not dead, the moustache story.'_ He frowned.

 _' Ireland, I see.... You know a lot.'_ I looked dead into his eyes.

 _' I know everything.'_ He took a deep breath and stood up.

 _' This isn't going anywhere.'_ Shit.

 _' I am sorry. Truly, it's just hard for me to understand why are you keeping secrets from me.'_ Sherlock stopped at the doorframe.

' _I left you because you would have been in danger if I stayed around.'_ I turned around. _' I am not telling you more because if I do, you won't be here for a second longer. Maybe I am selfish, but I don't want you to leave. Not yet. You being here is one of the best things what happened to me since I left you. Isn't this a paradox?'_ He laughed abruptly.

 _' Thank you.'_ I didn't know what to do with this information, but I knew it was hard for him to tell me even this little piece of it. With people like Sherlock, you need to appreciate the smallest gestures. I learnt that over the months. The- _you won't be here for a second longer_ \- part made me a little nervous. I stood up walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his back. I murmured a thank you then left the room. Or more likely wanted to, but Sherlock grabbed my hand and pulled me back. He put his arms around me, holding me close to his chest. I could hear his heart beating fast.

 _' I never left because I stopped loving you, you need to know that.'_ His voice was low, his chest vibrating under my ear.

****

Tuesday was morning wasn't less boring like yesterdays. Sherlock left early, not saying a word since last night. He was hugging me for a little bit longer than he went to sleep. I did the same. It's true that it's not the fall what kills you, it's the landing. I was falling, and I was terribly afraid of the landing. I was falling hard in love with Sherlock Holmes. I wrapped my arms around me, trying to remember his arms around me. My phone buzzed, snapping me out from my dream world. It was Josh. I picked it up.

 _' Hey!_ ' He sounded happy.

 _' Hey.'_ I was more likely tired.

 _' How is your project going?'_ I heard some whispering in the background.

 _' So far nothing.'_ You know, when you talk with someone and you walk all over the flat? I was doing the same right now. Just over the furniture. Currently, I was standing in John's chair. _' Hey, Josh! Don't you want to come over?'_ I tried to sound as much pleasing as possible.

' _Suuuuure, just let me eat some lunch, or do you want to eat something together?'_

 _' That would be amazing.'_ To be honest I could die for some junk food right now.

' _Okay, then I will stop somewhere. I will be there in an hour or half.'_

' _An hour? Where the hell are you?'_ Josh lives for like, what...20 minutes with a cab from Sherlock?

 _' I am at Rose's_ ' He whispered.

' _Ou. Niiiice.'_ I stepped on Sherlock's chair.

' _Okay, I will try to hurry.'_

_' You really don't have to. See you then. Bye!'_

' _Bye!'_ I put my phone down on the table. So far nothing. Mrs. Hudson showed up a the door.

' _Oh, hi!'_ She walked over to the window, pulling the curtain aside, letting some light come in.

' _Hello, dear._ ' She stopped, fixing her cardigan.

 _' Is something troubling you?'_ I asked her closing my laptop.

' _Did Sherlock seem different to you this morning?_ ' Oh.

' _I don't know. I haven't seen him today.'_ I shrugged. I wouldn't be surprised if he would act strangely after last night. I mean, I can feel myself acting strange, but maybe Sherlock can control his emotions better than me.

****

Josh stayed for a couple of hours. We mostly talked or watched something on the TV. I sent Sherlock a few messages, but when he didn't answer them, I started to get worried. When Josh left, I couldn't help, but call John. John said that it's not strange for Sherlock to stay out late. I wish I could say that it made me less nervous, but soon I caught myself pacing around the flat. Every few minutes I glanced over at my laptop, but nothing new. Still, the same message appeared on my screen.

_Please wait, The Venus is yet to be open._

Great. I picked up my phone and scrolled down to Sherlock's name. My thumb was hovering over the call button, not sure to make the step. My pride took over on me and I throw the phone on the couch. I would look so stupid if everything was fine. _Oh, you know, just checking in to make sure that you are fine._ Pathetic. No, just worried. I couldn't make my mind up. It was like two sides of me fighting with each other. The first one wanted everything with Sherlock. She was still the girl from college. The one who was in love with him. The one, who wanted to run to the phone and call him up, make sure that he is safe. She wouldn't care what he would think about her because she cared about him. She maybe would give in, and start everything over with him. Live happily ever after, or just steal a few happy days for themselves. The one who would forgive everything. If the end is here, then she wanted to spend every single moment with him.

The other one was a full grown woman and not just some girl stuck in here twenties. She knew exactly how Sherlock Holmes broke her heart. She knew that he was nothing but a manipulative, boastful person. He changed a lot. She didn't like any of this. He was invidious, he could hurt you so easily even if he didn't want to. He had no respect, and always wanted to be the most clever in the room. He was keeping secrets, and she hated it. She knew that the reason she was here, was the mission. Mycroft Holmes's mission. Not to make personal feelings with someone whom she left in the past. Because she left him in the past, right? One thing was sure, they both knew that they played a big part in Sherlock's change.

He wasn't like this. He was better. Kinder. He cared about me. Every time I looked at him, I was searching for the old Sherlock. I was trying to find the same sparkle in his eyes. But I was giving up. This Sherlock wasn't the Sherlock with whom I fell in love with. I didn't know him. I wasn't sure anymore that this Sherlock could love me the same way. Not anymore. So I choose the second one. The woman, who knows what she wants, and I left my phone on the couch. An hour later, when John Watson appeared at the door, out of breath, with fear in his eyes, I knew that I made a huge mistake.


	11. XI.

Many people believed the World could be ruled by strict schedules and never-ending plans. That to be a king it would be enough to keep track of everything that's happening or even the slightest possibility of it existing and becoming real. In this delusional theory, every person has a code more than a name. You are just a line of numbers and letters generated randomly. Every code could be sorted into a bigger aggregation. An aggregation could be anything. From the simplest thing to untraceable, non-existent organisations. Mycroft Holmes believed in this thing. If the right code is at the right place, there is zero chance of the mission going wrong. Technically it could be possible. 99%. However, here is the thing. You are not a line of codes. You have the luxury of choice. The 1%. The wrong choices, the mistakes, the overthinking, the paths you should never walk. Human errors. In the belief that this problem has an easy solution Mr Holmes created The six- point algorithm. If you passed the algorithm, you were good enough to work for him. If you didn't, you would become the person who would serve him his breakfast the next day.

 **Number one** : Die. Everything you were, everything you would ever become had to die. You had to disappear from the surface of the Earth. You would think its pretty hard to do something like that. Well, you are wrong. It takes 5 minutes to declare you deceased.

 **Number two** : Prove you are worth of something. We could talk about anything. You shove it to a room full of old people. The truth is they don't care. Good advice for the future: don't make something big. They already know what you are capable. Next time you turn around your program is gone. Good thing the next week they invent the same thing. What a coincidence.

 **Number three** : Be able to move. If you become disabled in a mission after they hire you, it doesn't count. Athletics preferred. You have to be fast. It can cost you your life.

 **Number four** : Move away. Every four month. Keep in mind: if you blow up your cover, you have to repeat the first point. It almost always happens sooner than four months.

 **Number five** : Be able to kill. Shooting lessons, firstly. Given or taken five weeks and you are shooting real people.

 **Number six** : Be able to focus under great pressure. They have several methods for reaching this one. Fan favourite is insomnia.

If you succeed, congratulation, you are just perfect for the Mycroft team.But believe me, no one celebrates after they are ready.

In the past twenty minutes, I failed more than three times the algorithm. I misspelt three times two different words. I couldn't focus under pressure. Breaking into the security system is not a big deal. It was just an idea. May the security cameras know the answer. At least, hope dies last.

John Watson lowered his phone for the third time. His face was a great mask, trying to stay focused and not think of the worst. When he ran up the stairs, out of breath, it took me a couple of seconds to catch something from what he was saying. It was something about a shooting and Sherlock and a dead phone, so I was assuming he tried to call him, but his phone was dead. I asked what about Lestrade's phone, as an answer, he shook his head. After that, I tried to call Mycroft on three different numbers, but when he answered my calls, he had no useful information for us. That was a good fifteen minutes ago. From that point, we were on our own.

 _' So the last camera is before this factory... and ... and they go inside. That's it?'_ John was standing in front of my laptop watching the camera records as five or six policemen ran inside an old factory. Five or six policemen and Sherlock. I nodded silently. John inhaled sharply. I knew what he was thinking, but even I couldn't do miracles. I glanced at my phone. I didn't want to be rude and tell John that the timing was really bad. No new messages. No open servers. I had to go full focus on my mission, but yet again my head and heart were torn apart in two different ways.

I sighed and made my way to the laptop, turned it around so I could see it better. On the screen, there was an old factory. Somewhere around a river maybe. Birds could be seen flying around. Seagulls, probably. What else do we have here? I pulled the record apart into tiny little frames so I could see the details better. In the corner, the time was perfectly fine. I glanced at my watch. 6:29. On the record: 6:30. Hm, it's probably nothing.

There has to be something here. Okay. Let's see what I can find if I go into details. A bird landed on the ground and hid its head under its wings. I looked up at John. He tried to stay calm, but I could see that he deeply cared about Sherlock. He was now feeling one of the worst feelings in the whole world. Helplessness.

 _' Who called you John?'_ I had to ask him. An anonymous voice on a phone is pretty weak. Maybe everything was fine, and this all was just _much ado about nothing._ Maybe we jumped into conclusion too fast.

' _I don't know. It was just a man. A man telling me that there was a shooting and... he said... your best friend may be in great danger, doctor Watson.. he said it like this.'_ He scratched his eyebrow.

 _' Well, that's not much information, to be honest.'_ I never trusted people who hid behind the unknown.

' _Yeah?'_ John laughed darkly. He was smiling, but without any kindness. Maybe this was the first time when I saw this side of him. ' _So tell me, what would you have done if you had been in my place? '_ Instead of answering him, I looked out of the window. Nothing. Not until you are hundred percent sure about it. That's, what we have been taught.

' _Jumping to conclusions too fast is a waste of time.'_ I quoted Mycroft's words without a second thought.

' _Jesus!'_ John scoffed. I looked back at him. _' I heard you and Sherlock were close, yet you speak just like Mycroft. Do you eve care about him anymore?'_ I opened my mouth, but John put his hand up to silence me. _' You know what? Coming here for help, maybe that was a waste of time...'_

I shook my head in disbelief. Then something caught my eyesight. What the hell? I zoomed on the picture. 6:32. Then how on earth can this bird do the same thing at the exact place? I put the marker at 5:25. It was landing again, hiding its head under its wings, mimicking its previous actions.

' _John?_ ' I called for him.

' _No, you are just as bad_

 _'JOHN!'_ I looked up at him, silently asking him to come over. He walked closer. _'Look, it's the same footage over and over again!'_ How could I bee so blind! So, in the end, this was not a live broadcast. Hacking something like this, it takes an amount of talent. I straightened up. So who are you? Playing games in the shadows? I love a great challenge. But your timing is awful.

' _What does this mean?_ ' John looked up at me.

' _This? Somebody is testing me. Somebody is messing with me.'_ Just exactly what I needed.

' _What will you do?'_ I raised one of my eyebrows at him, playfully.

' _Well, what would you do in my place?'_

Mrs Hudson rushed into the room, picked up the tv remote from the table and turned the tv on. What the?

' _Look, it's Lestrade! That detective friend of yours John!_ ' She was right. On the news, this detective Lestrade was talking to a lady. He was pretty uncomfortable in front of the camera, but he tried to stay professional. He started to talk abut a shooting. So the man on the phone was actually right. He also said that one of his colleagues got shot and was immediately rushed to the hospital. _Colleagues_. I turned to face John, silently indicating him to call Lestrade immediately. He was already on the phone, nodding towards me.

 _' Nothing, he is not picking up.'_ He stated frustrated.

' _What about Sherlock?'_ I asked him, worry taking over me.

 _' I don't think_ ' John started, but honestly, I didn't need his negativity at this point.

 _' I said try Sherlock's phone!'_ I spoke a little bit louder than it was necessary. A few seconds later he informed us that just like Lestrade's phone, Sherlock's phone was also out of reach. Our last try was Mycroft. But I did not use it. I didn't want to. He was his brother in the end. I couldn't just ask him if his brother was still living or in fact, dead. My first call to him was just out of sentiment. A rushed decision. I won't call him again. Not after what we knew now. Somebody got hurt. And the only thing what we could hope for, that it was not Sherlock. Right?

 

_A/N_

_So. It's been too long. Sorry. I am just extra busy. I will change a few things in this fanfic. Just minor things. :) So that's why it's currently under editing. Hope you enjoy this quick update. Again, sorry._


	12. You, my friend, are the traitor

One or two hours later I was sitting on the couch with Doctor John Watson by my side, way too close to me. We were facing DI Lestrade who was sitting on a chair close to us. The Great Detective Sherlock Holmes was reading a book in his armchair comfortably. I have seen Lestrade way back in the past - given or taken ten years back- he changed a bit since that. We all did. He was shorter than Sherlock and a bit older. He had grey hair, but it perfectly suited him. He was handsome you got to say that. But other than that, he looked like a man who carried the whole world on his shoulders. Buried under the years of stress and night shifts.

 _' So!'_ Lestrade raised his eyebrows in confusion. _' You say that a guy '_ \- he stressed the word oddly- ' _called you on the phone, and said and I quote: there was a shooting and your best friend may be in great danger, Doctor Watson. '_ Lestrade lowered the piece of paper where he wrote down John´s words from earlier.

 _' Yes. That's perfectly right._ ' We all felt how absurd this sounded.

 _' Anything else?'_ Lestrade stood up.

 _' No.'_ John said, shaking his head. When Lestrade picked up his phone after the hundredth try and he finally talked with John, he told him that everything went perfectly fine. Well, almost. Sherlock was safe. The man who was shot in the arm was somebody named Fred or Finn. I couldn't quite remember anymore. We agreed with John that we shouldn't talk about the video records or anything like that. We tried to track down the phone number but with no success. It would be a bad idea if we would strat to talk about the hacking to a policeman. After all, it was still a crime last time I checked.

 _' They are lying.'_ Sherlock spoke up boringly. Oh, no.

 _' That's not true.'_ I tried to say with a fake smile to Lestrade.

 _' Sorry, who are you again?'_ Shit. That's right.

 _' Oh, um....'_ Before I could lie to him Sherlock spoke up.

 _' She is with me.'_ He was still reading that book. It's funny because we were deadly worried about him and since the moment he came back he was just sitting in his chair. He came in with Lestrade without a word.

 _' Oh, really?'_ Lestrade sounded surprised. Wait. Did he think...?

 _' She is Alice. My cousin.'_ John tried to save the situation. _' She is in town to see Rosie.'_

 _' I see._ _'_ Lestrade´s phone buzzed. _'_ _I have to go now I am afraid. '_ He walked to the door then turned around. _' Thanks, Sherlock. You saved the kid´s life.'_ He looked in my and John´s direction. _' Nice to meet you, Alice. John.'_   He really did not remember me. Well, he never actually saw me in person. Then he walked down the stairs. We turned in Sherlock´s direction, who was looking right at us now.

 _' So?'_ John stood up.

' _So?'_ Sherlock repeated the question while John sat down in his chair.

' _Are you going to tell us what the hell happened today?'_ He folded his legs. John was resting his hand on his cheek, supporting his head with it. Sherlock put down the book on the table next to him.

' _Sara was kidnapped by his brother and his friends. Well, half-brother. They share a father but not the mother. The neighbour girl saw what happened, but Daniel bribed her. They were keeping her hostage in an abandoned factory. Which you already knew.'_ Sherlock looked up at me.

 _' Yes. We saw the footage.'_ I agreed.

 _' What. Footage?_ ' He sounded calm, but there was something uneasy in his voice.

 _' I hacked into the CTN camera system. Somebody was faster than me and uploaded the same footage over and over again.'_ I made small circles with my hand.

 _' Sara was fine.'_ Sherlock continued his story suddenly.

 _' So it was his brother.'_ John said angrily then he let out a sharp breath. ' _Why?'_ Sherlock shrugged.

 _' Jealousy, envy? Children don't always see new members in the family like family. He wanted her gone._ '

 _'Maybe he felt like his father loved her more than his own son.'_ John wiped his forehead.

 _' Maybe.'_ Sherlock stood up and walked over the coat hanger. He took off John´s coat and handed it to him.

 _' Where are we going?'_ John looked up at him tiredly.

 _' Home.'_ Said Sherlock, not facing his friend. He was staring into the kitchen. Or just anywhere but not John. ' _It's getting late. You have to go home to your family.'_ John stood up silently and put his coat on.

 _' Thanks for helping me today. '_ He was speaking to me. I quickly stood up. _' Or at least trying to.'_ He smiled a little. Sherlock listened carefully.

' _Sorry if I was rude._ ' I apologised. I sat down and buried my head in my hands. What a crazy day this was. John walked over to me and crouched down. He put his hand on my knee.

' _It's going to be fine._ ' I never believed in it. This was everything but not the definition of fine.

' _Be careful, okay?'_ I looked up at him and tried to fake a small smile.

' _Okay. You too. Both of you.'_ He stood up and patted Sherlock´s shoulder who was standing close by. He seemed a bit confused. This day was nerve- racking. I only wanted a shower and then sleep until the next Ice Age comes.

 _' Bye.'_ John left the flat.

 

 _' What were you looking for?'_ Sherlock was facing the other direction.

' _Where?'_ I asked him.

' _Here. In this room. You were looking for something. Or was it someone else?'_ Oh, right.

 _' Nothing, it is not important. I was just looking for things._ ' I stood up and picked up my empty mug from the table.

 _' Things?'_ He asked once more.

' _Just looking around, you know. Your books, magazines. Something to pass the time by with.'_

' _If you are that bored you could come with me_.' He said with a little smile.

' _You know I can't. I am not here to solve crimes with you, Sherlock. I told you that a couple of times before. Remember?'_ I made my way to the kitchen and put the mug in the sink. I was too tired to wash up now. I turned around. This tough didn't let me rest.

 _' You know we were really- really worried about you? Even Mrs Hudson? We tried to call you multiple times.'_ I walked over to him.

 _' Really? I turned off my phone after I got your text.'_ He walked over to the window and looked out. He was acting strangely. After our talk and the hug, I thought he wouldn't be this cold with me.

 _' What text?'_ I was confused. What was he talking about? He reached into his pocket and drew out his phone. I walked closer, slowly.

 _' What text Sherlock?'_ He handed me his phone now unlocked. I looked at it. Our text messages were right there. I read the last one out loud.

_'Hi! Could you please do me a favour and stay out until around 7 pm? Josh is here, and I would want to spend some quality time with him alone. Thanks '_

What the? I yanked up my phone from the table and opened my messages. There was nothing like this or similar in my phone. I handed my phone over to Sherlock.

 _' Sherlock I never, ever sent something like this to you!'_ I was furious.

 _' So Josh wasn't here?'_ He asked me reading my messages. Was he.... hurt?

 _' Yes, Josh was here. We had lunch together.' J_ osh was here, that was right. But I talked to him on the phone!

 _' Was it just the two of you?'_ He asked me again.

_' Yes! Mrs Hudson was_

' _Did you have some quality time?'_ He demanded the answer.

_' No! We were just talking! He left once we finished.'_

_' Finished?'_ He looked up suddenly at me with his blue eyes. He was smiling and nodding. This was not a happy smile.

 _' Talking! Sherlock!_ ' What the hell was going on? _' I can't believe this!'_ I turned away from him.

 _' You can't believe this? Why?'_ He said in a jumpy tone.

' _We thought you were shot!'_ I said while turning around to face him. _' Do you have any idea what we went through today because of you? John was... he came here to see if everything was alright because somebody called him and told him that you might happen to be dead!'_

I was almost yelling at him. He turned away and laughed a little.

' _Don't be absurd! I wasn't dead.'_ He still didn't understand. How was this even possible? How could somebody be even like this?

_' But we didn't know that! We tried to call Lestrade, you, Mycroft!'_

He turned back quickly.

 _' Mycroft?'_ He laughed.

 _' Yes! Your brother, Mycroft. I had no one else to call, you know? I was worried... we were worried!'_ I corrected myself. _' He had no idea where you were.'_ I tried to calm myself down. ' _Sherlock...Somebody is messing with me, and I want it to end. Now! Somebody sent you a message that I never wrote. This somebody called John and falsified the video records.'_ I tried to be reasonable with him. _' I don't understand how can you not see it.'_ I rubbed my forehead.

 _' I wasn't dead.'_ He said without any feeling.

' _For God´s sake, stop this! You try to act like you don't feel a damn thing but it's not true! You are still human! If they cut you, you bleed. If they shoot you, you die! Like it or not.'_ I humped down in John´s chair. ' _So please, before anything worse happens, do you have anything that they could use against me?'_ I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. The simple thought of losing him again...

 _' I have everything that they could use against you.'_ I know. You were everything that they could use against me. He sat down in his chair and began to speak.

 _' I am sorry.'_ I frowned.

 _' Sherlock I never understand what you are talking about when you speak like this. What are you sorry about?'_ I pulled my legs up under myself.

 _' I lied to you.'_ I didn't understand.

' _Sherlock.._.' I spoke impatiently.

 _' That day when you saw me for the last time. '_ I took a sharp breath and leant back in John´s chair. So we are going there. Once, and for all he is going to end this. I was listening carefully. Trying to understand every single word what he spoke. ' _I don't even know where to start.'_ I leant a bit forward so he could hear me better.

 _' Like a friend once said to me, start from the beginning._ ' Everything is going to change.

 _' A friend._ ' He chuckled. _' I was new in the whole field work thing, but Mycroft insisted that I could be a useful member of the team. I was young. I wanted some experience. Of course, I said yes when he offered me the case file. Free some hostages from the Russian bad guys. They were right about the hostages I will say that for them. Everything else was a plan. A deliberate trap.'_ My phone started to ring at this very moment, snapping me out from Sherlock´s story. It was still in his hand. He handed it over. I looked at the display. Secret number. Of course! I totally forgot about him.

 _' Sorry.'_ I picked it up quickly. Sherlock was looking at the fire in the fireplace. He was in deep thought. _' Yes! I know, sorry!'_ I said to the man on the phone.

 _' You know?_ ' Mycroft asked me quietly. _' So? How is he?'_

' Perfectly fine.' I answered it too quickly.

 _' I see. Then you have nothing to worry about anymore.'_ Right?

' _I am not pretty sure about that._ ' I knew he was worried too. He was trying to hide his emotions just like Sherlock. Emotions make you weak. He used to say. But do they really?

' _What do you mean?'_ I did not have enough information nor time to answer this question.

 _' I will call you back. '_ Sherlock looked up at me with great regret.

 _' Don't bother.'_ Mycroft hung up the phone.

_'_ _He never calls._ Sherlock said simply. No. He never does.

' _He was worried about you. Of course, he called.'_ Believe it or not.

 _' Right._ ' I get it. But at the end of the day, they were still family. I never understood why they never sat down and discussed everything. They have been trough a lot. I wish I could speak with Mark. And of course with Vivien.

 _' Please continue.'_ I silenced my phone and put it in my pocket. Sherlock nodded.

' _We were captured the second we stepped into the building. We were knocked out. I woke up tied to a chair. Mark was next to me. He was still sleeping. It was just me, Mark and four Russian guys in the room. One with a huge tattoo on his face. If I remember it correctly.'_ He stopped and cleared his throat.

' _Sherlock? You okay?'_ He was glancing in the distance.

 _' They kept asking us about a man named Mycroft Holmes. And that some Mr M wants to contact him.'_ He ignored my question.

 _' Mycroft? Wait! Did they know you were his brother?'_ Sherlock laughed.

 _' Did they know? Of course, they did._ _Later I found out that was the only reason why I was allowed to go there._ ' He explained.

 _' I don't understand._ ' Why would Mycroft let you go there if it was dangerous? Sherlock began to speak in a rushed tone. It took me a few seconds till everything hit me what he said.

' _We were the bite, Emily. Me and Mark. When they asked me about my brother, and I didn't answer to them, they said it must have been my fraternal loyalty. How ridiculous. So they put a gun to Mark´s head and asked him instead. Mark was great soldier Em he didn't tell him anything.'_

 _' Sherlock...'_ I straightened up, but he completely ignored me.

 _'They told me if I won't tell them where Mycroft Holmes is then they will hunt everybody down who is dear to him. I laughed because then that list would be pretty short. But this man- he spat the word with disgust. -leant closer to me and said.'_ He closed is eyes and stopped.

 _' What did he say Sherlock?'_ I sat down on the floor in front of him. He buried his head in his hands, and started to shake it.' _Sherlock, what did the man say?'_ I put my hands on his knees trying to support him.

 _' He said that he is going to start with me then.'_ He looked down at me. _' He will start to hurt everybody who is dear... to me._ ' I was on the verge of crying. I felt sad for him. But he didn't end it here.' _Your brother warned me. The Russian just laughed and laughed. He faced your brother and said, that Mark was probably Mycroft´s man so his death would imply some feelings in Mycroft. So he put a bullet in your brother´s head. Just for fun.'_ Sherlock became angry. This story was clearly upsetting him. My mind went numb. My brother died because Mycroft Holmes used him as bait. My brother, and his brother too. _' The mandate. The real one was to collect information about Mr M as I figured it out later. It is also possible for this person to be Moriarty. Your brother warned me with his last words to keep you safe. So I did the hardest thing what I had to do.'_ My brother died because Mycroft Holmes used him as bait. My brother was dead because of Mycroft Holmes. Sherlock left me because of Mycroft Holmes. I was working for my brother´s murderer. Sherlock stood up quickly. He walked away from me. My sadness turned into fury. My veins started to burn, and every breath felt like somebody was standing on my lungs. ' _The rescue team came just in time to save me. I punched Mycroft in the face. I hated him so much. But he was ordered to do so. It was very hard for me to forgive him. Maybe I never truly did.'_ Everything just clicked together. Mycroft came to my place because he had remorse. Not because he saw my greatness like he said. Sherlock left me because he thought they would hurt everybody whom he loves. He thought they would hurt me if he stayed with me. He thought I was too weak to protect myself from them. Or worse, he thought he was too weak to protect me.

 _' But you never came back.'_ I said through clenched teeth.

 _' How could I? Your brother is dead because of me.'_ He said in a small voice. Barely above a whisper.

 _' How can you say that?'_ I faced him _' My brother is dead because of your brother! Not because of you. You left me and... I was working for my brother´s murderer.'_ The realisation hit me once again. Everything seemed fully understandable. Sherlock and Mycroft´s conversation from the first night...

_'How dare you let her work for you after everything that happened.'_

_' Hm? Did you go after her? After I left? You? YOU! Out of every person, you don't have the right to even look at her.'_

When years ago I met Jordan Trevino, I accepted his advice. He told me to straighten up and walk like I ruled the world. And I did so. Whatever happened, whatever kind of situation I got myself into, I never, ever let myself break down. Now all these years later I was sitting on the floor in Sherlock´s flat with clenched fists, and a heavy heart. A tear rolled down my cheek. I felt anger and sadness at the same time, but something over screamed all these emotions. It was the betrayal.

 _' You left me when I needed you the most.'_ I collected my very last energy to speak to Sherlock. ' _I don't blame you. No.'_ I sniffed. ' _My head tells me not to blame you, yet..._ ' I didn't finish my sentence. I didn't know how. I didn't know how to put everything that I felt into words this time.

My brother's death would be called collateral damage. He died for nothing. He swore to protect his people, and he died while protecting an identity. I couldn't even remember his last word to me. I thought I closed his death. I thought a day would come when it didn't hurt anymore. I was crying for a stupid reason. Me being an emotional wreck won't bring him back. It won't change the fact that Mycroft used my situation as an opportunity to recruit me into his team. The two most important person in my life left me on the same day. The worst thing was that only one of them was dead. The other one did it free willingly. At least all along I thought so.

I stood up. I currently wasn't the person who I wanted to be. I dug deep for strength to stop crying. Sherlock was standing near to me with heartbreak on his face. He put me into this situation. I exactly knew what I had to do. Just let me get out of this place first. Mycroft and his job can screw it. I don't care about any of that anymore.

' _I am sorry.'_ I laughed bitterly at Sherlock´s words.

 _' Sorry? You were the most important person in my life, and you just walked away from me when my brother died. I needed you. Moreover, you lied to me.'_ I wasn't looking at him. I was talking indignantly. ' _Sorry doesn't cut it.'_ I tried to walk away, but he grabbed my wrist. I turned around to look at his face. He tried to pull me closer but I backed away from him until I was standing few feet away from him.

 _' Let go of me!'_ I looked deep into his eyes, pulling my hand slightly, trying to move him.

 _' Emily...'_ His voice was soft. Pleading.

' _I said. Leave. Me. Alone. '_ I said through clenched teeth. I wasn't gentle this time. I ripped myself out from his grip. He wasn't holding me strongly enough. How typical.

I grabbed my boots and my coat in a hurry and ran down the stairs. I was already dialling Jordan when I reached downstairs. I was furious, and he was the only person I could count on. Except Josh.  I didn't look back on Sherlock. I didn't say anything else. I left him like he has left me before. I grabbed the door handle and opened the front door wide.


End file.
